Blog 365 Project: Day 1

So I am attempting to Blog for 365 days. I decided that more than anything I needed a theme to work with. I took a long look around my house and decided that there were lots of things I could choose, but I needed to find something easy to get and bring together over the year.

The theme I ended up choosing is a mash of two things: (1) Moon and stars and the word (2) Dream.

I am going to do all kinds of things revolving around the ideas and see how much I can come up with.  I've got some inspiration and hopefully I can get through the entire year.

So the first image is the star in my house that I'm most in love with at the moment.  I love this wall and what it says about my family.  I don't have all of it because it does show names, but it's a hint of my life and reminds me of who I am and who this family is whenever I get home.

A Downton Abbey Christmas

Last year for my mom's birthday, she received the Downton Abbey cookbook.  She then managed to get it in her head that this year, we would have a Downton Abbey Christmas.  And being a good daughter, I was happy to oblige.  It involved finally subscribing myself to Pinterest, a whole lot of searching and pining, shopping trips to several stores and a last minute trip to Office Max for printing, but I managed to get it all settled.

Here's the final product:

Looking down the table toward the living room.

Looking across the dining room to the buffet.

Views of the centerpiece.  

Done with dollar store vases, electric candles and a few real candles for the lights.

Pine cones are from Michael's.

Three strips of ribbon are the anchor - one red, two burlap and gold - from Big Lots.

Paper accents are printed out from the internet.

Red and gold bulbs are also Big Lots.

Greenery is from Walmart and the Dollar Store.

Place settings

Placemats from Target

Red Chargers from Michael's

Mom's Christmas dishes and red napkins

Place tags are from the internet. 

 The Buffet

All of this was from my mom's collection of Christmas items.  All I brought was the pine cones.

It was nice to work with a theme this year.  It certainly made planning a lot easier.  Silver would have been a bit more traditional, but we wanted to use the Christmas china so that made red and gold more practical.  

Burning Questions

I am supposed to be thinking about work and getting some more things done for items I need to be teaching.  I've given it over for the day, partly because I feel a bit burned out and partly because I am not even sure what to work on.  I think my mind is overwhelmed by all the stuff I'd like to accomplish and the other part of me is just feeling sad.

It comes from time to time, that sense of loneliness and apartness.  Unlike the rest of the world it seems as though there is no one that I seem to connect with, seem to talk to.  I feel... friendless.  It's hard to figure out how to make friends.  I keep thinking, I can just do it, but in the end it doesn't seem like its possible to do that.  I don't have people that I call on the weekend or hang out with or go out to dinner with - it's just lonely and sad.  It's not that my life isn't good because I have a lot of good things going on - a lot of things that make me happy - like my job, my son, my cats, my house - I am luckier than 98% of the world.  But then you look at people who have friends and someone they call and make plans with and you feel that 2% that's missing.

Maybe its a lack of confidence.  I have to admit, I struggle with that on a daily daily basis.  Unhappy with how I look, how I must appear to others.  Feeling I am not good at my job.  Not a caring enough parent.  Makes you want to have someone to share your life with - someone who bolsters you and makes you remember you are worth while.

Part of it is that you just want to be happy and fulfilled with the relationships around instead of just relying on yourself.  Of course reaching outside of myself is a difficult piece when you are an introverted person.  You can't just rely on yourself for everything on the other hand.  But how can you get someone to spend time with you when you are unable to reach out because you are full of self-doubt and unwilling to have enough confidence to take a risk.  You think that doing things like losing weight and changing things about yourself will make you more confident, but does that really just put window dressing on a problem.  Maybe you have to project self confidence until it becomes a part of who you are.  Fake it til you make it kind of piece of thinking.  Reach out and assume that people want to go with you places.  It's so easy to just stay home and be... but that doesn't make me happier or more fulfilled.

Just goes to show that being older doesn't mean being wiser...Sometimes older is just older.

Spring Break Introspection

The one thing about spring break - or any time off of work, wherein you don't ever actually spend any time thinking about work - is that you have lots of time to think about other things.  Things like why you are the way you are, how come cats are alternately fascinated and terrified by the concept of an door, how come you can't manage to lose weight and when the best time to take a nap is.  And you clean things - lots of things.  But the cleaning and painting are for another post - though I am happy to share what two terrified cats look like:

 

Aside from terrifying cats and napping, I have been thinking about why I am the way I am.  The feeling off being alone and why I don't bother to go and date or anything of the like.  Why I would chose to have a baby on my own instead of taking the time to date.  Why I don't like who I am at times.  It is hard to realise that you have to be willing to change yourself in order to make certain you are able to be in a relationship - instead of becoming the crazy cat lady you are on your way to becoming.

Instead of becoming the cat lady, spring break gave me a bit of time to look instead.  Part of it came from watching, of all things, What Not to Wear and there was someone on there who had this complete blank look through all of the criticism part.  I realise that is what I do.  I get that blank affect to myself when I want to protect myself.  Not only am I an introvert, which makes it hard to want to go out and be with strangers in general, but I also work very hard to use a shell to protect myself.  I hate nothing more than being hurt - especially by people I like or respect or care for.  And I am an emotional person - everything hurts and can cause emotional pain.  So therefore I use a shell to protect myself so I don't get hurt.  I use this blank face that hides everything I am thinking.  I've been called on it before - generally by my director who knows what I am doing.  Usually she's asked me something and I have put on that face to protect myself from giving an immediate answer.

But I realise that I probably use that blank face more often than I am aware of.  Any time I want to protect myself or hide, I use it.  I think I am protecting myself, but really what I am doing is putting people off.  You can't read my expression or my emotions and I am not going to give you a hint so of course you aren't going to be open or friendly because you can't see me or really get to know me.  All you get is nada.

So you want to meet someone, but that requires vulnerability.  And if you are so worried about protecting yourself, you can't afford to be vulnerable.  In the end though, that vulnerability is worth it because you can spend time getting to know someone and making friends.  I am sure that lack of vulnerability has led to less friends as I get older and certainly an unwillingness to date and more time spent with cats.  I just need to get out and try.

And then, just as importantly, face it at work.  I need to be willing to show that vulnerability at work as well.  To show I am not perfect and am willing to learn.  I believe that I can learn and grow and maybe learn to be open to change.  Part of it is that I don't like being in an administrative role.  It isolates you far more and means that you don't have a lot of time to be yourself and be open to being friends.  And when you don't know a lot of people outside of work, you end up isolated.  And then you get used that isolation and so it carries over to your personal life.  Then you don't need to bother to try.  And so you become the crazy cat lady.

Hopefully acknowledging the need for change allows me to begin thinking about the change I want so I can make it.  A lot of it starts with building some self confidence in the fact that people can like me for me.  I don't need to be something, pretend,or lose wait.  Losing weight can help me build confidence, but it's not going to give me confidence alone.  I can do it.  I can lose the weight - 10 pounds a month means five months of work.  I've got to add in the exercise and I'm working on that part.  I can look good.  I can make it better.  Just one day at a time.  And taking a minute to step outside and look at myself as others might can only help as well.

Dreams

We all have dreams.  And I'm not talking about the dreams of 'when I grow up...'.  No I'm talking about the ones that happen when you are supposed to be asleep and deep within another realm.  Some of these are standard and typical and relate to crap you go through during the day.  Some times they are just bizarre.  Some times they are scary.  But we all have them. 

Most of the time, I can figure out where the dream comes from - what idea triggered that dream experience.  I often dream of certain things.  One of them is my grandparents and their house in the Cincinnati area of Ohio.  The house is no longer there and neither are, sadly, my grandparents.  I often dream of being in that house and feeling like they are still alive.  I dream about walking through the house, about being there with them again, about staying in the house again.  I know they are no longer there and I know that I dream about the house and going through and being with my grandparents because I wasn't there when they cleaned the house after their deaths.  I know that I still have 'issues' regarding closure with this.  It is what it is.  I have to live with those dreams and memories and they will always be a part of me.

So I get dreaming about my grandparents.

I get dreaming about my best friend and talking with her.

I get dreaming about school and job related crap.  After all, who doesn't?

I even get dreaming about sex.  I mean, really, I'm a single mom who's not dating.  I have needs and they aren't being met in terms of sex.  It's my choice to not be dating.  It's my choice not to be randomly picking up men in bars - not that I think I'm truly capable of that.  Ok that sounds a bit wrong.  What I mean is that I don't have enough confidence in how I look to feel like I could attract someone I'd like to sleep with. 

What I don't get is WHO I often dream about outside of my grandparents and best friend.  Most often when I dream about sex and men especially, I dream about the guy (boy really) that I had a crush on all through elementary school.  He came in second grade and I probably had a crush on him from day one until I moved out in fifth grade.  I don't think it's all that unusual for girls to have a crush on a boy for that period of time.  Though of course my son is now this age and I think 'dear god does some little girl have a crush on my son like that?!' and the mother in me panics a little.  (Though to be fair my son is cute, but not the cutest in the class so probably not).

Anyway, I had a crush on a guy named Andy from second to fifth grade.  In fifth grade, I moved in March so it's not like he and I ever really 'dated' or even truly kissed!  But there must have been something about him that resonanted.  Or maybe it was just the longest time I had a crush on a guy.  I don't know, but I do know that at least once a month (or more) I dream about him.  Not about him as a boy though.  Oh no, he's definitely all man.  Tall and blonde.  And all man.  The dreams are all about the attraction between us.  About renewing and being together. 

What I want to know, is WHY?!  Why do I dream about this guy?  I have never seen him as an adult.  I don't even know if he's still alive.  I haven't seen him since the day I moved in fifth grade, so why do I still dream about him?  Why am I still obsessed with who he is?  Why do I feel like there is some kind of crazy connection to this guy?  Is it just that it was my first crush so therefore we all dream about that person?  Maybe it is just the excitement of the unknown.  I don't know anything about him other than what I remember from then.  Maybe I just need that information so the dreams will stop.  Maybe it just gives me someone random to focus on that is known but unknown.

Who knows.

But I do know that curiousity is strong.

Let's just hope it doesn't kill the pussy.....

How to Feel Better

We all have those days when we feel like crap.  Days when someone has run us over and we just want to run home and cry to Mum to make it better.

Of course when you're nearly 40 that isn't exactly a practical suggestion.  I just don't think someone with a kid of their own, that is nearly a teenager, should run home after a bad day.

So I did what an self-respecting woman should do - I went and bought new shoes. Shoes always make me feel better.  I would love to be Imelda Marcus and have a huge room and 500 pairs of shoes and lots of opportunities to wear them.  Personally I think I have about 50 pairs of shoes, maybe more.  I have managed to get through the first two weeks of the year only wearing some repeats of shoes. It makes it harder to chose what to wear when you have to not wear favorite shoes more than once.  My current favorites are a pair of Steve Madden silver/gray ones.  They are high, but comfortable and look great with so much.  Steve Madden happens to make my favorite because they have a nice wide toe box (my feet are widest at ball of my feet) but a narrower heel.  I appreciate how they a re made and they do tend to have more padding at the ball of the foot as well.  Not the best made shoes in the world, BUT I have a great fear of trying on something that costs more than $100 a pair.  Mostly because I have a serious shoe fetish.  And I'd be spoiled and never be able to properly enjoy my collection again.  Therefore, until I make my first million, nothing too expensive even gets a try on.  Sad.

I now have a FAB - U - LOUS pair to wear to a wedding tonight.  Sparkle and everything.  I have decided to dedicate my Twitter account to tweeting pictures of my shoes.

And just as a reference, here is there pictures of my shoe storage.  I am in desperate need of a second shelf.  Perhaps in the new year I can get that done.

So what is Christmas....

It is one of those things that doesn't always seem to boil down to words.  Funnily enough I had a lot of pictures of people last year, but this year I didn't seem to manage that.  I am not sure why family didn't come into a lot of pictures because I was definitely with them.  Family is what makes everything worth while.  It makes the days good and enjoyable.

Well that and time off of work.

Luckily I have been off for nearly a week now and it has been quite worth it.  I definitely needed the time off and to rest and get some sleep.  It has been delightful.  So far the part was the long and quiet walk around the neighborhood looking at the lights from Christmas.  It was cold though so I wasn't out as long as I might have liked, but perhaps next time.  At least I didn't freeze to death! 

Least favorite so far has been the hideously long drive to Duluth and back.  No one likes to drive, but I am glad to have gotten to spend time with my boy-o on Christmas day.  And the weather was nice which was delightful so the drive was easy compared to the last time I had to deal with that.

Pictures I have though are the things that remind me of the holidays....

Cookies - handmade by my mom

A month's worth of work - delicious and delightful!

We spent six hours frosting cookies, but every minute was worth it.  Such a great plate this year!

Family - Wild and Wacky

Kieran and a video game

Mom, Leah and John in the common gathering place - the kitchen

John in his great new hat

Christmas table setting - always my favorite thing to do

Biggest view of the table

Better view of just the center piece

 I have to admit that the whole thing was about $10 or so.  The glasses are all from the dollar store, painted with modge podge, rolled in Epson salts and glitter and lit with battery operated tea lights.  The silver paint cans are from the dollar section at target with dollar section bulbs in silver.  I think the most expensive part was the two trays.  They were from IKEA, but worth the expense.  The green is a garland from the dollar store.

Place setting with Christmas cracker - silver chargers from the dollar store.  I love the dollar store!

Better view wherein you can see how warm the room was with just the candlelight going.

Christmas tree - I love my tree.  I am so glad I took off the blinkers this year.  It's nice and warm looking.

All lit up

Warmth

Playing with the camera settings.  I think I need to learn a bit more about how to use my camera

Kieran on my tree

Using the flash - almost all ornaments are homemade - such a nice feeling...

It was a good Christmas and a time when I felt much better than I have in a long time when facing this time of year.  And for once a new year shall bring peace.

What I want for Christmas....

I have decided that what I really want is a date with Nathan Fillion.  I wonder if I can put that on my Amazon list?! 

*click* A date with Nathan Fillion has been added to your wishlist - tweet about it?

Okay so he's a real human and can't be randomly collected like some kind of baseball card.

Maybe I will just settle for a date.

Dear Santa,

Please bring me a hot man.  Sense of humor required.  Must tolerate cats and nine year old children.  Desire to have babies a large plus.

Love and believing always -

Me

I don't think that always works either.

I have to admit though that despite blogging twice in two days (somewhere along the line a new record), I am actually feeling rather content at the moment.  There is little to complain about other than work which is not one of those things I can really fix as you are not allowed to simply eject the stupid people from the bus.  Instead, you just encourage them to find a seat closer and closer to the door.  Someday they might even get the hint.  Possibly...

Maybe santa can give me an ejection seat....

I did get to go and see the Nutcracker ballet last night.  I love the music and the power of the dancers.  It was a nice small community kind of production though you could tell the dancers were professionals if nothing else.  The budget was not spent on the story telling though.  And they did not have a lot of male dancers - perhaps a common issue.  I missed some of the parts of the story - the tree growing, the prowling evilness of the Mouse King, Clara's excitement over her new dress.  I have a version of the story that talks about how the nutcracker came to be so imprisoned which is so wonderful.  I would love to see a ballet that incorporated some of that.  A lot of what I missed from this was the idea that this happened to possibly be a 'dream' and how the dream was to have had echoes of what happened to Clara the night before....  It's all just a part of the magic and mystery of the season.  That part that appeals to the romantic in me.  That person who desires hearts and flowers and all kinds of love and to be swept off my feet by prince charming....  Ooo - maybe Santa could bring him!

I am currently watching Holmes INspection and I have to say - I hope that I never have this man in my house.  Not because he's not great at his job - I wish more people had the work ethic that he does, but having him around means my house has LARGE problems.  I am thankful then that I had the inspector I did.  Even though he spent three hours here and climbed in and out of every thing in the house, I know I'm pretty good.

My train of thought derailed with a screech and a shuddering thump.  I think it means I should go and sleep

Or craft.  Whichever comes first.

Just so you know...

It is about that time again.  Another delightful update.

This one topics three important topics:  1. Home Improvement 2. Cats and 3. Christmas.

Why one might ask?  (or might not.  Maybe you merely accept my idiosyncrasies.  If that be the case, I have some people you need to talk to....)

In the meantime, let us continue on with the show starting with topic Number 1:
Home Improvement

One must continually improve one's home.  How Am I doing that these days?  Well the painting is done aside from the touch ups to the dining room.  I made the rather sweeping decision to not change the paint color in that room from what the previous owners had.  It's grown on me so now I just need to find the paint gallon down stairs and bring it up and touch up where I have tested other colors. 

Aside from that issue.  I have not done much else.  I did take Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend and go to IKEA for the deal that they had on the four cubicle shelves.  They were only $19.99 and well worth the price.  Now I just need to get them together and get the basement all settled.  I am hoping to have some desire to get that done tomorrow.  On the other hand, there is a lot of stuff to prep for for the season with shipping overseas and the like.  I have GOT to get my Redditt SS stuff sorted and mailed.  I also have the Sam-chan to get done as well.  And as both have projects that are handmade, I can't mail until I finish those.  I think the basement might have to wait until Christmas break.

I could also consider painting my bedroom them.  And getting the flooring for the basement.  I know I should consider doing that before setting the furniture but the cost isn't something I can afford at the moment.

(On a side note, I hate these Lexus Holiday commercials.  Seriously!  NO one gets a car for CHRISTMAS!  And David Bromstead, I liked you and then you did a room based on Twi-*gagging sound* -light and now I can never see you in the same way - handsome and all.  My heart must solely belong to Nathan Fillion now.)

Aside from that issue, I have other IKEA things I want - my bed for one.  My new sofa...  I think i may have spent my tax return before I even get it.

On to topic two:

CATS

I love my cats, really I do.  I seem to constantly have them cuddling with me these days - either in bed or on the couch.  It makes it difficult to get up and down off the couch and get anything done.  I am usually pinned to my seat by this large fluffy black thing.  It is heavy and keeps me pinned down.  I can't think of why he does it other than to keep me from moving and suck out all the heat from my body.  They get warm and warmer and I freeze regardless. 

It may be a way though to make sure that I don't accidentally shut my cat outside again.  Yes.  I shut my cat outside.  Here is how it all ran down.  I went outside to unplug the lights on my balcony.  Normally my cat ignores the door.  This time, it (this is Delusional btw - Paranoid is too agraphobic to go outside or come near the door regardless of where I am), followed me out.  I unplugged the lights and came back in and shut and locked the door and went to bed. 

Paranoid was not himself in the morning.  (Which shouldn't be that odd, but he was).  I finally realised, after most of my chores, that Delusional was missing.  I finally found him outside.  He had managed to get himself shut out on to the balcony.  I can't believe it.

Of course, they have been clinging to me ever since.  I have been trying to craft and they have been 'helping'.  How do they help?  Sit on my lap.  Chew on packaging.  Bat the jewelry chain around the room.  Of  course.  All things the cats should do, right?

Could someone inform me again of why I have these things that meow constantly, get themselves locked out and eat me out of house and home?!

Yeah.  I didn't think so.

TOPIC 3: Christmas

I am constantly amazed by Christmas.  First of all, this is my favorite season of the year.  I love nothing more than decorating for the season and all the things that go with it.  I like shopping for people and finding just the right present.  I like making things for people.  It is just a super enjoyable part of the year.  Of everything that is just what I love.

I am annoyed about crap at work meaning that we can't celebrate the season or even enjoy Christmas kinds of things with the kids or Hannukah or anything.  It is so annoying that I can't have that enjoyment.  I do get to go to the Nutcracker tonight though so at least I get something.  And I have brilliant shirts from Old Navy to wear about all the time - well, when I am not at school clearly.

Well I had better go.  the cats are meowing and clearly they need to be fed.  Far more important than anything else.

I suppose I should pay more attention to this blog.  Maybe actually use it to write or something.

Or something.

I am not even sure what I should write about.  I am definitely very busy with work crap.  Alright, I shouldn't say crap.  But some days I feel like I wade through far too much of it.  Mostly you want to occasionally knock heads together because you think that some days adults should act like adults.  And you want to be treated (and better yet PAID) like a professional, then you should stand up and act like.

People either get that or they don't.  I can't make them do what I want.  You can lead the horse to water but you can't make them drink.

In the end, I need to focus more on my house when I am here instead of recovering from work.  I have managed to paint the basement.  I need to get the floor laid.  I decided to put down an IKEA laminate floor which is going to make a difference down there.  I considered one of those peel and stick kinds of floors, but I ended up deciding that it would be better to put down something I knew about.  I think it will look better.  Of course I also have a wonderful new saw to help me lay it and I think it will make a difference.  Now I need to decide what kind of furniture to put down there.  I decided it is definitely going to be an office area so I have to measure and lay everything else.


I did get a new piece of furniture to refinish.  It is a super cool vanity. I found it for a grand total of $35 at a thrift store.  It should be awesome when done.  I need to sand it and either paint it grey or black.  I would love to even use wallpaper or something on it - like on the drawers or something.  I shall have to think on it.  Of course I should also consider painting the walls in the bedroom.  I also want to do the bathroom.  I pulled down the extra cabinet that was over the bathroom toilet.  it was super ugly and not me.  I think I might put something up instead, but what I am not sure what.


Now I just need to find motivation to get all this stuff done.  And not want to sit around and cuddle my purring kitty.  I need a purring kitten.


And a hot man.


I wonder which one I might actually get ....

Crazy Mixed Up Dreams

So I wasn't sure that I wanted to post this, but in the end, I need this crazy mixed up OMG dream out of my head. That and someone to tell me what it all means. I am sure that there is something deeply psychology about the whole thing. And another part of the issue is that it was a dream that occurred near the time I finally woke up. That makes for weird dreams regardless I am sure. I think what makes it even weird is that I wasn't able to make any connection between the dream and what I had been doing before or after.

I dreamed I was Ginny Weasley.

(This is where the WTF?! really begins. I haven't done or said or interacted with anything Harry Potter in AGES. I have not seen the last two movies or the current one. It has been years since I read the books or did any kind of HP RPing - though I will admit that I did often RP as Miss Weasley though she wasn't the person I RPed most recently. And I've been reading Game of Thrones which bears NO resemblance to HP in the slightest. And before I went to sleep I did NOT remotely think about HP!)

I was definitely Ginny Weasley though. It was a first person dream.

So the dream started out with the sense that someone was watching us - somehow we (I am not entirely sure who the we was - though my sense is that we were rebels (against what I know not) and needed to get away from something) were in trouble. We ended up watching some kind of show wherein we were still trying to hide, but people were being paired up. Of course, as Ginny I was paired with Harry (which is odd for a dream since I don't ship H/G). You watched these scences as lighted windows with shadows moving behind them.

Then of course (as its a dream) we shifted location. We ended up in some kind of remote rocky location where a group of us were trying to figure out a way to kidnap the minister (and no, I did not watch any heist movies recently either). I don't know what it was a minister of or who, but they were TEH EVIL to some level and we needed to get them. In order to kidnap the minister, we had to do so in the midst of a car race. It was a cross country race at high speeds. So most of the dream is about the group of us (Harry, Hermione, ron, Luna, Snape and McGonagall) had to use a combination of magic and car mechanics to not only win the race but also kidnap the minister (seriously - how did my brain come up with this?!). Funnily enough, Ginny (me) has learned how to drive and tune cars at University. (Really?!) It takes all of us to get the car to the speed and then Ron, Draco and I (all together in the front seat) drive in the race. (You cannot even imagine how my face looks at this moment - I can't believe this was in my brain!!!) We stopped the car carrying the Minister by using our car (?!?!?!) and Ron and Draco kidnapped the minister and I put in a new engine (we needed to go faster!!). We got the minister back and then we all had to scatter. Of course, I had to go with Draco because no one would suspect that I was with Draco.

Yes, bizarre. But what I haven't put in here is all the subtext between Ginny and Draco and Snape ending up with McGonagall (!?!?!?!!!!). Clearly my brain needed everyone paired up. But then D/G is definitely what I ship so that does make some kind of rather twisted sense in terms of the dream.

The rest makes none.

And now I am going to go and use bleach on my brain.

There and Back Again: Lessons from Vacation

Unlike Frodo, we were not required to walk into Mordor, merely drive to Wisconsin. Some would akin that to walking into Mordor, but I am going to give it the benefit of the doubt. On the other hand, I'd consider the trucks on 94 something akin to the black riders. Seriously.

So Lessons learned:

1. Trucks on 94 have the great desire to fuck with you. They have a hideous sense of timing and the slowest love trying to pass the slower. So that means you spend a good portion of time behind Idiot A truck or Idiot B truck while one attempts to pass the other. I hate that. Mostly because I happen to like using my cruise control and going one speed at all times. And of course, that speed is usually more than the speed limit, but that's my issue and not yours. Your job is just to get out of my way.

2. Jellystone is a great place - though something of a place for hicks. It is NOT the land of beautiful people. Though I suppose that might depend on your age level. There were some beautiful teenagers (or at least skinny ones who had clearly been tanning), but lots of middle age people wandering around following small children with beers disguised in those cooler things. Very priceless.

3. There are a lot of fun things to do at Jellystone - my favorite was definitely the wave pool. Monkey enjoyed himself and impressed me by learning to jump into the pool and swim to the side. When I feel less like I'm on vacation I will go and get the pictures and post them. Even managed a movie.

4. Always reapply sunscreen. Always.

5. Lumpy mattresses are no fun to sleep on with sunburn.

6. Every movement on a plastic mattress echoes through the room and keeps you more awake than it should.

7. Toilets should not rock. Ever.

8. Small children are so sweet when they fall asleep next to you after a long day of sun and fun and swimming.

9. Game of Thrones is a brilliant book. Now I only need to find the episodes somewhere. This is why illegal downloading happens. I've watched all the recaps and summaries and now I want the whole thing. And I'm madly in love with Tyrion Lannister - the Imp. If you are going to be a bastard, you might as well as do it in a big way. And when in doubt, piss off your siblings.

10. The best thing about coming home is my own washer. My purring kitties. My sweet soft quiet bed. My fan. My shower with lots and lots of pounding hot water.

Until the next vacation.....

Fearless

Today I finally finished installing my brand new IKEA floor in my living room. It took a lot in terms of physical labour, but in terms of time, no more than about 10 hours total with clean up of the mess from cutting wood.

I can't believe I did it.

Yes, there are imperfections, but in the end it looks very good and will look even better with all the furniture set in.

See?



See again?

The process wasn't that hard in terms of mental work. It was a bit tricky in some areas and you had to have a bit of finesse, but once I got in the groove, it actually was quick. Physically though you end up completely and utterly exhausted which I definitely wasn't prepared for. the cats referred the underlayment as it crinkled when they walked on it and perfect to lay under and be hidden.

I figured out what my real problem was when I started.

Fear.

It is funny what we are afraid of. I was afraid of the saw and timid with it and it was using that and taking more control of the wood than I was. I was timid about putting things together, not pushing or forcing things to be as they should. It took time to realise that was what was happen. Once I admitted it and gave up the fear and took control, I found things went a lot smoother. I was willing to tackle it and do what needed to be done. I took control and let go of the fear and trusted I could do it. Then everything went like clockwork and turned out fantastic.

I am glad I trusted and let go of the fear.

It made all the difference.

Optimistical Decorating

While I don't think that optimistical is an actual word, it does rather fit how I am feeling about all the things I am currently tackling in my house.

I have to admit to going through phases in terms of what I want to work on outside of work. Since I usually just work on work, the summer is a nice time to attempt other things instead of just being a crazy teacher lady. With my son gone for a week, it was time to get started on some decorating.

Well, actually it started before that. It started with a rather random and wandering visit to IKEA. (I have to admit that I heard online somewhere a great description of IKEA. They are these huge blue and yellow cubes dropped onto earth by aliens from outer space attempting to take us over one flat pack box at a time. I think they are winning in my house. Scarily I think there is at least one thing in each room in this house from IKEA. IKEA-Snatchers - the new SyFy movie of the week.) So there I am, wandering around IKEA. First, I had to try out all the sofas. I managed to find my dream sofa, but the fact that it costs $1000.00 is a bit off putting. Hopefully I will be able to find enough pennies in my house to get it in a year or two.

So finding the couch led me in a bit of a direction, but I knew that in reality I desperately wanted to get rid of my carpet in the living room. It was more appropriate for carpeting a ninth ring of hell in a cheery stained beige. It was gross, primarily because of the monkey and two cats. Why? Because they have CARPET RADAR. What does that mean? It means they could tell when it was time to spill, barf, dump, hack a hair ball and instinctively cross the house (or the Sahara for that matter) to find this carpet and use it inappropriately.

My wandering in IKEA led me to the rug area - normally a section I skip over. Instead I found this dream of a rug. I spent a long time considering it, rejecting it and deciding that perhaps it might work to cover some of the worst of the rug. Then I collected what I needed for this brilliant project (seriously, most brilliant idea for stairs EVER) for which I am using this rug instead. I got a couple of other things and then headed for home. I laid out dream rug and dreamed of dream couch in the living room.

This led to inspiration!

I decided that I wanted to change my wall color. I picked up these boxes in green and decided that the accent wall I had been intending to paint navy needed to go GREEN. It was a brilliant plan, because I'm brilliant. With the green on the walls, the rest needed to go the color of my dream rug and then my room would be grey, white, black and green. WOO HOO! A decorating scheme! I was so proud of myself for having an idea instead of randomly throwing things in a room.

But now, the carpet has definitely GOT to go. Hell needed its beige. The only quest was what. I looked into carpet (which is clearly some kind of racket run by the mob) and carpet tiles and flooring and .... You can imagine. Turns out that the best deal for something easily cleanable that looks like it costs more than it does and highlights my dream rug and dream couch is an IKEA floor (I think I hear the whir of a spaceship...).

So I purchased my floor and its now cooling its jets for 48 hours in my living room. I am expecting it to lay itself by this weekend. In the meantime, I am creating art for my wall. That will have to wait for another post. I am also changing the knobs on my cabinets since the kitchen over looks the living room and painting those walls as well. I'm also refinishing my end table and coffee table to be black.

Soon, my precious will all come together and I will love it.

Before the next project.....

On a new path

Well it is time to turn that path. Another depressingly high cholesterol reading from the doctor and it was time to make a change.

I looked at a bunch of different options in regards to what to do. I talked and read and checked through websites. I ended up deciding that I needed to just do it. I didn't think I could trust myself enough to do it completely on my own, but I couldn't afford something entirely drastic like doing nutri-system or something where all the food is provided. As much as that was what I probably should have done.

Though some blog adventures, I found a place called Lose It! which allows you to enter what your weight is, share your goal weight and then it tells you how many calories to eat a day based on what you want to lose a week. It makes everything very visual. And for someone who learns better and sees things better visually, it was a good choice for me.

I decided that along with that, I would replace two meals a day with a high protein, low carb bar or shake (Atkins Advantage is best in case you are wondering). Mostly I wanted more protein than carbs in the items I used as replacements - hard to find though! I then had to combine that with staying under my calorie mark for the day. I'm not worrying about exercise as much at this time, because I want to just committ completely to the diet change, regardless of wanting other things.

First week went well. I even made bread from the bread machine - though it is more fat and fiber than carbs because of a low sugar and flour content. I even had some dessert (mini chocolate chips or greek yogurt and blackberries) and some M&Ms during the week which means I didn;'t feel deprived. It was a good solution for me.

And the end result this week? 6 pounds gone. Probably a lot of water weight, but I was just glad that the scale went down. As long as it continually goes down, I will stay on this path. My goal? A total of 55 pounds. Which means only 49 to go!

The end reward? A trip to sunny Barcelona Spain over break.

Cross your fingers and cheer me on!

Looking Around the House

I realise that I have lived in this house for over six months. In fact, it was about this time last year wherein I came to see it for the first time and knew it was just what I wanted for me and the Monkey. It took some doing and some managing and a heck of a lot of worry and waiting and fretting, but I got it in the end. Now is just the part of making it look like I want instead of somewhere I just moved in and set up some furniture. Things are in process. This is a part of the process at this point.

Missing from the photos are the garage and basement, the bottom floor in reality, street level. For the most part, they just house the car and are a convenient walk through to the main floor, which is where we spend most of our time.

Standing in the kitchen looking at the stairs down to the basement:


The living room where we spend most of our time. This is the east facing side of the house so it gets lovely morning sun. The yellow wall is going to go navy. Eventually.

This is standing where the tv is and looking at the couch. You can see the splash of navy on the wall. It is a start at trying to find the right color of navy - which is harder than you'd think. On the other hand, the carpet needs to go. I think the cats have radar in terms of knowing just to throw up ON the carpet instead of the easy to clean laminate. It just needs to go. I've at least got a color range for that picked out.


Standing in the living room looking into the kitchen. I am hoping to turn it kind of a light sagey green. I've picked out new handles, but am saving up to get them. It will make the kitchen look less yellowy and more neutral. This place started out with a lot of yellow based colors and I'm moving it towards the greyer end of colors since that is more of who I am.


More of the kitchen. I also want new counter tops and a back splash. Some day...


The dining room. I like the color, but it is not what I am going for in the room. You can see I tested things on the wall - that's kind of the color I am going for, but it was a bit too blue and not grey enough. Color tribulations.


Standing in the dining room and looking at the stairs to go up. I want the carpet on these stairs to go. Merlin spends his life shedding on them. They're never clean. I would have to vaccum two hours every day to keep it clean.


My bedroom. The wall was my best find. It was a returned gallon - got it for five bucks. I had the shelf. The curtain rod was 2 and the fabric headboard piece was only 7 and I have a lot more of it. You didn't get to see the cool duvet and pillows since I was cleaning, but they are nice - patterend shades of gray.


Another carpet I want gone. I hope to dye the curtains black since I like the pattern that they have - very antique kind of look.


The new art I made for K.

Monkey room! He choose the colors of the walls, I choose the curtains. He wanted it to look like an ocean.


Craft room! Kieran picked the colors here as well. I happen to love them. I think I am going to take time to paint all the furniture white to have it retreat. I also want the carpet in this room gone. But with the shade all the way up, it is a great room to work in. I also freehanded the poppies on the wall. I love how they pop in comparison to the dark wall color.

That would be the sum of it. I didn't photograph the outside or the three bathrooms. Perhaps another time. I just need to learn how to lay laminate floor next. Anyone want to teach me?!

Random Thoughts

So here's the goal for the new year, attempt to post once a week. I keep having great posts rolling around in my head, now I just need to type them out and let the rest of the world enjoy them. Of course the physical act of sitting down and typing things up doesn't always work that well. Maybe I just need a keep who follows me around and tells me what to do and when to do it. Now that would be nice. Think someone could arrange that for me?!

*crickets*

Didn't think so.

In the meantime, on to the list of random things.

1 - Proof I have named Paranoid and Delusional accurately
You would think that I had named them correct merely because that is their names, but occasional proof is a fine addition to those who need it. So my black cat is named Delusional. Why, one would wonder. Well the answer to that is obvious. He thinks he's in charge of this house. That is when he's not thinking he's a dog, playing fetch with his ball by himself. Or thinking he's a human by taking a whole seat of the couch by himself. Paranoid's (the orange one) proof is a lot easier. Get out the vacuum, he hides (even if you are just moving it from room to room). Let him fall asleep, hear a noise, cat pops up, staring around for the source of the sound, certain something is out to get him. Sneak up on him, watch the cat jump forty feet into the air. At least his paranoia provides the rest of us with endless amusement. But then both of the seem to be absolutely certain I am going to never come back on Fridays and feed them. As if I could forget their bottomless stomachs.

2 - Food or Why I hate my Hips
I eat and it has a horrid tendency of attaching itself to my hips and leaving itself there. It is stubborn about being removed despite my endlessly badgering. So I have made the historic decision to do something about it. I enjoy eating so I don't really WANT to do something about it, I'd rather just watch Food Network and allow myself to wallow in everything full of fat and sugar. But the mere thought of a heart attack at 40, or earlier, has convinced me that it is not acceptable to continue on in such a manner. I need to learn new habits. So in order to have a heart that continues beating and to reduce the cholesterol clogging it, it is time to lose the weight so that everything else goes down to a normal level. But that means, less than 1000 calories a day, losing most of the caffeine I had been ingesting and no more sweets. Hopefully I can make it through this regimented life. There is no end goal for this, just relearning how to eat and PORTION PORTION PORTION.

3 - Christmas
This holiday was rather enjoyable this year. I think I received some brilliant things and it was a time when I felt glad that I was a mom and was about to give Kieran everything he deserved which was the best part of all. Not that I spent thousands or even hundreds on him, but enough to make sure he was happy and enjoyed his time and really feel like he was a kid. It made me feel good as a parent to see him happy and I felt like I was successful as a parent which recently had been a hard thing to come by.

4 - Money
I think the last time I had posted I had been worrying about money. I think I have managed to solve the problem to some degree. Hopefully.

Okay - my brain has now derailed. Of course part of that is because Delusional has returned to his favorite napping spot and is kneading the blanket on my lap which must mean it is time for another nap... Maybe.

Zen and the Art of Painting

Ever have one of those zen moments in your life?

I find that I rarely have them as in general it is rarely quiet in my house. Monkey talks far too much for anyone to qualify for creating silence. In fact, I think it was just Thursday that he talked from the moment we got home from school until he went to sleep - and even then he was up and down until 9pm. I don't often mind a lack of silence. I enjoy having the tv on and noise when I sleep. So to say that I need silence even would be a bit of a misnomer. On the other hand, some times, silence is just what you need.

And what might this have to do with painting a clever reader would wonder?

It has to do with how I spent a Saturday - a ten hour Saturday mind you.

Painting. Four coats of paint in a roughing 12 by 12 room. Now to be fair, I volunteered for this activity because in reality, I love to paint. In fact, if I had my druthers, every time I had a bad day, I'd buy a gallon of paint and come home and paint a room and then feel far more relaxed and together.

The best thing about the painting though was the silence. I originally intended to listen to my iPod throughout the experience and sing, but it was deader than the proverbial doornail. So no music. Funnily enough, I didn't mind. It was quiet. The family whose room I was painting, was around in the house and making just enough noise for it not to feel eerie, but the room was silent. I figured I'd go crazy, but in honesty, I don't even know what I thought about all day. It was just peaceful and quiet and my mind didn't dwell on anything. I jumped a bit from thought to thought, but nothing long term. It was all about the motion and repetition and getting things right. I hummed a bit and muttered a bit, but it was so ... Zen. If I think about it - it's how people who are really into running must feel during marathoning. You are just listening to your body and its rhythm and nothing more or less. And without the music, of course, I lost track of time completely. It was just about finishing the project and seeing the complete project. It was deeply satisfying and so peaceful that I don't even think I can describe it.

Of course my body now hates me, but it was worth it. For the Zen of it.

Pity Party

Pity Party in full swing over here. Everyone is welcome.

Seriously, some days I really just would like to try someone else's life for a time. Do you think that could be arranged?! I am sick and tired of not having a dime to my name and living hand to mouth or worse. What is worse than hand to mouth? Other than living in your mother's house when you are 36 years old and have a child of your own.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am grateful to my mom for a lot of reasons and I love her to death and would not ever want to be without her, but it is rather nice to live one's own pathetic life at one's own house even if the life to be had is pathetic at best. You buy a house and you think that it is going to be yours and you are going to get to live in it and have money to decorate it just as you would like and be proud of it, but instead things go all pear shaped and instead you rent for months, move things in, but not yourself and end up with a quarter to decorate everything with. And to somehow pull out from your magic hat a whole paycheck worth of pay that doesn't really exist.

*sigh*

I'm exhausted and annoyed and I just wish I was in my house with my things and getting to watch my own tv and put my son into bed in his own room away from me. I wish I had the money to buy a proper headboard and a new sofa and paint.

These are the things that elude me. I wish I wasn't so upset about missing out on things that people at work did and how they had fun. I wish I had fun this summer instead of working 20 hours a week or more and having to drag my son around with me every time I went and then having to listen to him whine about having to be there. I wish that I wasn't having to be an adult and be sensible all the time. I wish I had the money to go on vacation. I wish I had a friend to go and hang out with instead of feeling all alone in this craptastic world.

Because that's what I feel like. I'm all alone with nothing and the world keeps crapping on me for stuff I can't be in control of (see cable disconnection fee and apartment people telling me I am going to have to pay $$$ to replace carpet and cat scratches). See me being 36 and unmarried and without even a date or a friend in the world. See me having a job that I should love and be thrilled with but instead feel like it is beating me down and wearing me out before school even starts. See me wondering why the hell I even bother.

Yes, I know "wah wah wah - you have it so much better than some people". I get that. It is an intellectual measure to know that people have less than me and their lives are even more crappy. But every once in awhile, I feel it is fair for me to be able to pity myself. I just want nice things and a life that leaves me feeling content. Where Monday is not dreaded because it means dealing with things I'm not ready for, I don't have to raid the couch cushions to buy my son milk and someone is willing to be my friend.

Maybe tomorrow it will be better. Maybe fatigue does make cowards of us all. Maybe it the money tree will sprout. Maybe a decorating budget will be found. Maybe I will get a vacation.

Somehow, I'm not counting on Maybe.

Notes, Dreams and Ponderings...

I just want to know why it is that I have crazy dreams. Is it something that I eat? Is it something I can control?! Actually I don't think that I can control it. I just wish I could open up my brain and download it into my blog because some of these could seriously make heck of a book. I mean, if Stephanie Meyer can make money writing crap my fantastically unusual dreams would be far more interesting.

Dream #1 -
Somehow this was influenced by reading about the Bachelor on MamaPop (which is funny enough to make me pee my pants laughing, but never something to actually inspire me to watch that kind of trashy tv). It was about like 4 boys and 3 girls or more (not sure exactly) living in some house and randomly dating one another. One of the kids was famous for some reason (not sure what) and I was all about having to try and date each one (yes, I was one of the girls) and arguing about how I should get a chance to date the young and handsome hunk who was a star of some kind. I didn't want to be excluded just because I was older and not as hot as all the other girls. I think this bizarro dream was also influenced by the fact that I was watching a rather badly acted (I can soooo act better) cheesy Disney teen movie. Oh Here if you must know... Though I also think this may have been influenced by reading about Percy Jackson.

Hey, at least I keep myself entertained and off the street. It always makes a difference. Now, this would clearly not make a good book, but it does lead me to another question - why is it that I always want these blond guys in my dreams?! Why is that? Most of the times, the blond happens to be the guy I had a crush on all through elementary school. (We will protect his identity as I am sure he'd rather not to be associated with this weird little blog.)

Dream # 2 - Far far more psychotic. My guess is that this would be enough to get me committed in some instances. This one I have no frame of reference of where it came from.

Somehow there was these four different people who were all being stalked through time by some serial killer for a reason that I couldn't quite place until the end. It was all about how this one girl loved this other boy who was younger than her and taking care of him and others were just letting it happen. Odd - I know. This one I didn't seem to be a part of for the most part because I was watching things. Somehow the person who was doing the stalking was able to manipulate them through time and even had the ability to make what they thought was their dream and then turned the dream against them. Like someone was going to be having a family and then the family that they thought was theirs was killed - that kind of psychotic little twists. Somehow at the end the four people that were being hunted were kids again and I adopted them and was planning on protecting them from the person hunting them.

Really I need my head examined.

Of course it is better than dreaming about work things which would have made me crazy.

There are some things which no one needs.

Now I'd best get work things done so that I can go to bed at a decent time.