Today I sucked a cat up out of the carpet and other news...

The worst thing about a long haired cat? Vacuuming.

*shudders*

Now, actually I have to admit, I love to vacuum. Who doesn't? So fulfilling with a clean floor with neat patterns and soft carpet under foot when you walk.

But after you're done, at least with my model, you have to empty out the canister. It is so gross when you have a long haired cat. The dirt you pour out is disgusting enough - and I'm not a person who cares much about dirt - but the cat hair is enough to turn anyone's stomach. What ever possessed me to have a long haired cat? Something must have gathered my brain and wrapped it in the cuteness of kittenhood in order to make me forget to realise what a long haired cat might do.

I had to clean the entire canister and STILL then pull out hair. GROSS. It coated everything.

Is it really animal cruelty to shave your cat or is it just facing the fact that no one likes to pull out hair from their vacuum cleaner for upwards of 15 minutes afterwards?

Perhaps I shall experiment with that and let you know.

And while we are speaking of fixing things, let's discuss how we stop a seven year old boy from talking like a baby. I know girls did it, but never was aware of boys pulling the same thing. Of course this is the same Monkey who used to prance around the school like a pretty pony (my words not his) (and how else would you describe walking around with your hands up in front of you like horse legs?!) and has a thing for my heels?! SHould I be concerned?! Though I suppose not because he might be *gasp* gay or something like that. *snort* He can be gay all he wants, but flaming weird?! That I am not sure about. Heck, I'm good with overt geek who collects video games, nerdy accountant and even crazy rock star. But weird?! I'm not sure I'm prepared to go there. I shall have to contact Mrs. Piggle Wiggle for a cure...

In other news, I finally managed to clean a good portion of my flat. The worst part of being a single parent - aside from having to drag a small child with you every where you go and not being able to date on any kind of a consistent basis - is having the energy to deal with cleaning every evening when you get home when there is no one else there for support. I can't stand that. It's hard to enough to battle with the Monkey about the little things, but to add into trying to keep the flat clean is tough. And I hate cleaning with a passion. When I win my millions, the first thing I get is a maid. If I never have to clean again, I'd be happy. And it is definitely not one of those side jobs that I could manage. I'd rather shoot myself in the foot and have to manually cauterize the wound.

On the other hand, I have yet to manage to grade a single paper. I wonder who would notice if I just randomly gave papers a grade instead of actually grading them?! That would be far more entertaining for me if nothing else. Probably a bad practice... So that means I had better do it then?

Perhaps I'll let the cats do it instead. They need to be good for something other than clogging the vacuum.

Random Thoughts

Sometimes the hardest part about waiting for the shoe to drop is waiting for the dramn shoe to drop. That and the fact that you think it all the time. And when no shoe drops how do you know that the shoe isn't just hanging around waiting for you?!

And when are you too old to move back in with your parents? Is there ever a time element? And is it bad to beg?!

Here are some more positive random thoughts and hopefully you get a laugh even if I didn't think them up myself:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. (Here it is.)

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? (You don't. You take it out of the dryer and return it to the bed it was on).

6. Was learning cursive really necessary? (Your second grade teacher thinks so)

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own house (Let's hope so. It's like those labels about don't dump the hair dryer in the tub... I want to meet the person that they have to write those five directions for)

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. (In gory detail in some instances)

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this-- ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings 9 times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer - drop the phone and run away? (I would like to ask this of my ex...)

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste! (And I'm convinced I ran into the man who should have been my Prince Charming while wearing a hideous pair of sweats and hoping to not see a single person)

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. (This is also why I filter email....)

18. My 4-year old grandson asked me in the car the other day "What would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay. (I'm with MamaPop on this one - K is for Killing Spree which is rather how you feel about Valentine's Day when you're single and all people are happy and plaing kissy face....) (And seriously - go read that link. I wouldn't watch the Bachelor if you paid me (okay maybe if you paid me) but it is so darn hysterical....)

In other news - who wants to help me start up my own business?!

Into the New Year?

So someone explain to me why I am sitting home again on New Year's Eve. I don't think I've been out on New Year's Eve since I lived in the Frozen Frozen North. You'd think, being young (snort) and single (despite Monkey Boy), I'd be out partying in my heels and pantyhose and Spanx.

Clearly not.

Instead, I plan on continuing to wear down this seat on the sofa and hoping to go my son goes to be sooner rather than later so that the SpongeBob marathon ends. Please - let it end.

But then, maybe it is just a sign that I am old and a fuddy-duddy that I don't go out and try to party hardy. I have to admit that I don't have party filled friends (or even that many friends) nor am I dating someone. Heck, I'm not even looking cross-eyed at someone....

Which brings me to the real issue of all things. The fact that I am not dating. How do you meet people when you're divorced and have a child to care for?! I love the ads on tv that make it look so EASY. *snort* Nine times out of ten the real issue that I have is that the people I'd like to date won't look twice at me and the people willing to date me are less desireable than reading A Tale of Two Cities and then critiquing it with literary professors who admire Dickens.

How do you find that happy medium?! People who you'd consider dating and who'd consider dating you in return. I'm no longer at the point where I am surrounded by people who I can date - as I draw the line at dating small children and that is who I work with. I've been told to consider meeting someone at church, but being a divorced recovering Catholic, this may not make me all that desireable in the Catholic church. I don't think jumping from religion to religion is a good idea either in order to just find someone willing to date me. Besides, most people seem to have found someone in college and I'm not going back to that since I rather like being employed.

And then some people have all the luck. I mean, my mom lost my dad at a fairly young age (though older than I am now and more willing to not have children - maybe that is my sticking point, I want at least ONE more child). Three years later she decided to date and went out on ONE date and that was the man she married three years later. *bangs head against things* Seriously. How does someone get so lucky?! What did I do that it doesn't happen like that for me?!

In the meantime, I shall hope that the new year brings new things and new opportunities. And if you happen to find my Mr. Prince Charming wandering the Frozen North, could you send him over?! Let's just make it easier on every one. It's not like I have that many demands or anything - just intelligence, a wicked sense of humor and a never-ending desire to worship me... Nothing all that complicated considering worshipping only involves moderate offerings of gold, jewels and foot massages..

But as for the rest, may the world be good to you and yours this new year. And bring you all you desire. And that you think good thoughts for me and my quest for the new year.

It has been looking like Christmas...

Who creates these things?

These hideous hideous video games.

I just want their number. Really. That's all. I promise. You won't ever really find that body - honest!

For Christmas my son got this whole series of games about Rabbids. I hate them. Hate them with a passion. They were clearly written by a Japanese 7 year old and with that sick seven year old sense of humor because they have fart races, throw paper airplanes and collect garbage all while stealing clothes from various people.

Seven year old humor!

It makes me crazy to watch - especially since my son is constantly jumping around and yelling at the tv. I could tolerate just about anything else, but the combination is far too much. *shudders* I am going to be lucky to sane by the end of the winter break. Oddly, I believe it will be a relief to return to education and corrupting small children into thinking with higher order thinking skills. I shall brain wash them all into thinking that word games are the most fun out there. If I am lucky, I will be successful and the annoying rabbid things will leave my house FOREVER!!!! *insert evil cackling here*

In the mean time, December has not been all about annoying video games. It has been about time spent with friends and family.

And of course, Christmas cookies. My favorite kind is definitely the frosted sugar cookie. Mom makes the dough homemade and we cut them out and frost them. This year we spent over six hours creating and frosting cookies. It was delicious and as always I think they turned out even better than they did last year. And they made for a great set of pictures:
Aside from the cookies, there is family as always. Little boys and their laughter and excitement. I really feel like this was the most exciting year for Santa Claus to come and visit. Monkey Boy was very into it and made sure that everything was just so and I managed to remember that believing in a jolly red man who brings presents is an amazing thing. That even then adults are remembered in many instances.


Family sharing and laughing together. I think that is the best thing about the whole season - sharing family laughter together about things - in this case a great Star Wars cookbook for a little boy. And of course in our family - the new tradition of hideous gag gifts for siblings.


J's rubber chicken of DOOM.

M's fabulous new work shirt and excellent tie.
N's purse of many things. Many interesting contents...

Here is a better picture of the THING from HELL. It is supposed to be a backpack of a purse or something. It was decidedly ugly including all the leftovers yarn from a million different projects. The bottom of the bag was the worst - requiring three undoings and more to get it right - at at least semi-correct.

Enjoy your holiday season and remember that life is a brilliant thing to enjoy. I am grateful for all the end of this year brought and I know that next year will be even better.

Further Twilight Thoughts

I have to admit - I still don't get all the Twilight hoopla. I don't understand the fascination with Edward - pale and sparkly doesn't do it for me. And this totally creeps me out. Small children and vampire love - not a good combination. Like I said before, not my cup of tea. Bella still irks me. Jacob is a better character - far more full of depth in terms of reading and a bit more swallowable in terms of the whole 'magical mystical' animal/creature front.

But hey, it takes all kinds.

Best part of the books so far (just finished with New Moon) was the whole argument between Bella and Edward about the getting married versus immortality. That was amusing and for that split second I was totally in love with Edward, but then he was all soppy and teenagerish again and bleah. I just didn't get Bella's whole issue. She'll give away her LIFE?! but won't get married? Seriously? Who can KNOW that they are constantly going to want to be with one person. It's IMMORTALITY people. It doesn't come with a refund. I'm with Edward - who'd want to buy into that! At least with getting married, it's not forever....

Yeah.

I did just write that.

Maybe I don't get the books because I don't understand what that kind of love really means. I've never felt that kind of 'oh my god I can't live without this person' feeling. I was going to say I don't think something like that really exists, but then I had to stop and have a think.

It does.

Maybe not with all the teenage drama and sighing and brooding and smoldering that Stephanie Meyer seems to give it, but it does. I can remember my grandparents having that kind of love. They died within weeks of each other. It could have been that they were both rather sick and definitely towards the end of their lives, but you know that they did die because one could not live without the other. And then I was thinking further... my best friend in college was like the whole Bella and Edward thing. Well, she's not even remotely Bella-like, but the romance was the same kind of unable to live without you feeling and knowing the moment that you met that you belonged together. It was that kind of awesome thing to watch... to be a part of... and then to watch her when her husband died... yeah, I can get how Stephanie Meyer would think that exists.

But it's not happened to me.

I wish it would.

Maybe I am just not that kind of person.

i'd love to meet someone who could just take me away - sweep me off my feet like that. Maybe I'm just too, hmm, untrusting maybe? Lack of confidence? not in the right place at the right time? Yes, I've been married, but was it that kind of 'choir of angels singing' moment when I met him - probably why I am divorced as well. I've never meet anyone else that could be that "Bella" to my "Edward" (I refuse to link my name to hers I'm too damn opinionated and cranky and demanding to be Bella). I've found comfort and closeness, but ... not that kind of moment.

But of course, I wouldn't want a sparkly vampire to bring me that moment. *g* I don't want him to be soppy and romantic... but having the moment would be nice if nothing else. Some things are just not meant to be ....

Maybe I should move to Oregon and stalk pale men who drive Volvos while wearing specially knitted mittens....

*eye roll*

Twilight Review... In my Own Words

First of all, a disclaimer, if you are a HUGE Twilight fan, you might want to look away. I have some rather frank opinions and if you are of the opinion that the world of vampires and gorgeous men begins and ends with Edward Cullen, you and I are not going to see eye to eye. So let me preface my words below with the note that they are MY OPINION. You are entitled to "sparkly" Edward all you like.

That being said though, I'm only a half way through the first book. I do plan on reading the rest because if nothing else they are entertaining as long as I am willing to turn my brain off.

Now there are four kinds of writers and books. There are good writers who are something worth reading and write reasonably well. The books are usually read once and get a 'well that was worth reading'. They aren't something you really recommend to other people often, but they are worth the paper they are printed on. But with me, if I buy one of these, I read it and resell it - no big deal. There are GREAT writers who are amazingly entertaining. They create fabulous character who are believable and you read the book without wanting to put it down. My latest great writer I've been enjoying is Tamora Pierce - for her amazingly strong and full of control female characters that she writes. You can see and feel the books from beginning to end. There are also classic writers - people who are timeless for various reasons - the themes and language that are presented to us. You've read them in high school and college and blah blah blah. The last kind is the okay writer. These are the people who are published by some miracle of publishing that let them get a contract for a book. It is one of those crazy flukes of the world wherein the undeserving get what others might deserve.

I'm afraid I have to put Stephanie Meyer's books in the category. It was an intriguing idea when vampires were just becoming 'big' again. So of course it was purchased. Besides the fact that teenage girls are so gullible and more willing to swallow Edward and his sparkliness. That and they all see themselves as 'Bella' the 'plain' who suddenly becomes beautiful. (In case you're interested, I'd also stick JK Rowling in this category - for most of the books after 4. She did well until then, but honestly?! Yeah.)

So part of my issue with the books has to do with her writing style. I admit, I'm not a brilliant writer. I could use a great deal of polish, but I'd like to make sure that Stephanie takes an introduction to the descriptive paragraph. That and I'd like to show her the benefits of a thesaurus. Just how many times can one use the word smoldering in two pages?! Seriously - I counted at least five. That and brooding. I'd like to let her know that I don't think those words mean what she thinks they mean. And I've yet to meet a teenager who knows how to look 'smoldering'.

Maybe it just comes across as horridly written because it is written from the point of view of a teenager. But just because it is written 'by' a teenager doesn't mean you should sound like one as a writer. It just makes me want to take Stephanie in hand. This is also probably why I don't write in first person because unless you are AMAZING at it, it sucks. Big time. I think I'd buy the whole story a lot more if it was third person. Probably because I could never see myself as Bella. Not in a million years. I'm not (a) gullible, (b) an idiot, (c) gullible, (d) amazingly stupidly trusting or (e) gullible.

Aside from my issues with the writing, which can be ignored, I don't get the whole Edward factor. I just don't. Seriously - the dude is the LAMEST vampire ever. EVER. Maybe it's because I'm only half way through the book. Maybe it's because he's only supposed to be a 'teenager' or something like it. (Though I don't get how you can be 'teenagery' when you've been 'dead' over 100 years, but hey, who am I to judge?!) Seriously - he SPARKLES in the sun!!! Now I like my bling and sparkle as much as the next girl, but in SUNLIGHT?! *shudders* And he's so LAME. I mean, who admits to being a vampire?! He knows her, what, two weeks and she says 'Oooo, you're a vampire' and he's like, "well, dude, of course" but in some cool vampiric way. *bangs head against random surface* Didn't he go to vampire school?! You know, where they tell people to deny deny deny?! Maybe you don't have to deny if you are into only eating animals. *bangs head again* They only eat animals?! Look people, it's Moonlight all over again. *rolls eyes*

What happened to vampires just being vampires?! They're evil. They're not nice and yes, they will suck you're blood. They're not like Draco Malfoy and leave room for 'doubt'. THEY ARE EVIL. The end. Maybe I just like my vampires evil. (Not that I happen to like vampires in general - they just aren't my things.) Just like I like my men in charge. I should NOT walk all over you. You should be in command and sarcastic and cunning and intelligent. You should NOT be a milk toast vampire. Maybe it's just me. I don't need a tender hearted man who is cute and sensitive and SPARKLY.

If I am going to fall for a vampire, he's going to be far more like Jean-Claude from the first few Anita Blake novels. I say only the first few because after that they dissolve into a massive orgy and if I'm going to read porn - I'm going to read porn, not a novel trying to be disguised as porn. Jean-Claude was cool though. He was tall and dark and French and hideously over-bearing, but seductive and lethally sexy. He's the kind of vampire you'd risk it for, just because. I also happen to love Harry's brother from the Jim Butcher books. I also like Jim Butcher's take on the vampire lore - the three courts of the vampire: red, black and white. Red is pretty horrid, but black is all the traditional vampire lore. But then the white is a totally different breed - living off of lust and sensuality instead of blood. I think it is an interesting take - probably not an original idea, but interesting nonetheless.

Though really if I am going to select a fictional man to fall in love with, there is a huge variety to choose from in my opinion - and most of them better than Edward. I'd probably start with Ramses from the Elizabeth Peters books. Then any of the Mallorys from Johanna Lindsey's works. Mitch Rapp from the Vince Flynn books. Eragon from the Inheritance books. Most of the men in Tamora Pierce's works, though I have a fondness for the Rogue from her Bekka books.... The list goes on. What do they all have in common? They are strong and sarcastic in general. They like to think they are in charge, even when they're not. They are intelligent and egotistical to some degree. I'd probably hate them all in real life....

But as I said, I will read the rest. I'm intrigued and while reading the summaries on Wikipedia is faster, it's not have as intriguing.

Then I'll have things to blog about if nothing else.

Mystery Illness

So, I seem to have some sort of unusual illness that is defying my own personal medical diagnosis. Perhaps you are smarter than I am. I seem to be suffering from (in no particular order): dizziness, nausea, light-headedness and upper back pain and a one day hint of a sore throat. It is only the back pain that bothers me because that is usually the sign of an ILLNESS not an illness. And yes people, there is a difference.

An illness is cured with lots of kleenex and a fluffy kitten and some tea and if you are feeling particularly horrid, some theraflu.

An ILLNESS consists of no less than three days being prostrate on ones back on the couch which fending off a small child by throwing cheese at it and attempting to write sub plans that are more involved than 'deal'. Therefore I am not interested in having an illness.

So without a fever (which would automatically indicate the flu), I decided that perhaps I would attempt to figure out what it was I was suffering from.

Let us all take a little travel over to WebMD. Ahh. So pretty. I decide, let's just input the major symptoms - dizziness and nausea (and no I am not nauseous only in the morning Mr. WebMD or have been out of the country or knocked myself on the head recently).

Turns out, I either have chronic heart disease, am pregnant or have some kind of unpronounceable disease that involves having lots of contact with rodents (I may teach, but really!).

Okay.

So, not exactly helpful.

Input additional symptoms. Ooooo. Nope - haven't swum in infested waters recently - what a bizarre question! Buttons! Clicky click click!

Hmmm.

Are bizarre nightmares a symptom?! Probably not.

Now I have the flu (without a fever, really?!), something do with physical activity, toxic shock or fibromyalgia....

Who writes these things?!

I'd get more information by inputing my quarter into the fortune teller machine or asking the Magic 8 Ball.

Next thing you know it will tell me I have scurvy and an allergic reaction to my socks.

Sheesh.

I think I will just stick to my own paranoia and offering to the small altar in my room. No that is not incense you smell and no, I never had a second cat, why do you ask?!

** Disclaimer: Author continues to have two cats at this time. Small children are never flung cheese at told to fend to themselves - sandwiches are always provided. Politeness is not. Post written under the duress of unknown illnesses are not the responsibility of the author.**