Fearless

Today I finally finished installing my brand new IKEA floor in my living room. It took a lot in terms of physical labour, but in terms of time, no more than about 10 hours total with clean up of the mess from cutting wood.

I can't believe I did it.

Yes, there are imperfections, but in the end it looks very good and will look even better with all the furniture set in.

See?



See again?

The process wasn't that hard in terms of mental work. It was a bit tricky in some areas and you had to have a bit of finesse, but once I got in the groove, it actually was quick. Physically though you end up completely and utterly exhausted which I definitely wasn't prepared for. the cats referred the underlayment as it crinkled when they walked on it and perfect to lay under and be hidden.

I figured out what my real problem was when I started.

Fear.

It is funny what we are afraid of. I was afraid of the saw and timid with it and it was using that and taking more control of the wood than I was. I was timid about putting things together, not pushing or forcing things to be as they should. It took time to realise that was what was happen. Once I admitted it and gave up the fear and took control, I found things went a lot smoother. I was willing to tackle it and do what needed to be done. I took control and let go of the fear and trusted I could do it. Then everything went like clockwork and turned out fantastic.

I am glad I trusted and let go of the fear.

It made all the difference.

Optimistical Decorating

While I don't think that optimistical is an actual word, it does rather fit how I am feeling about all the things I am currently tackling in my house.

I have to admit to going through phases in terms of what I want to work on outside of work. Since I usually just work on work, the summer is a nice time to attempt other things instead of just being a crazy teacher lady. With my son gone for a week, it was time to get started on some decorating.

Well, actually it started before that. It started with a rather random and wandering visit to IKEA. (I have to admit that I heard online somewhere a great description of IKEA. They are these huge blue and yellow cubes dropped onto earth by aliens from outer space attempting to take us over one flat pack box at a time. I think they are winning in my house. Scarily I think there is at least one thing in each room in this house from IKEA. IKEA-Snatchers - the new SyFy movie of the week.) So there I am, wandering around IKEA. First, I had to try out all the sofas. I managed to find my dream sofa, but the fact that it costs $1000.00 is a bit off putting. Hopefully I will be able to find enough pennies in my house to get it in a year or two.

So finding the couch led me in a bit of a direction, but I knew that in reality I desperately wanted to get rid of my carpet in the living room. It was more appropriate for carpeting a ninth ring of hell in a cheery stained beige. It was gross, primarily because of the monkey and two cats. Why? Because they have CARPET RADAR. What does that mean? It means they could tell when it was time to spill, barf, dump, hack a hair ball and instinctively cross the house (or the Sahara for that matter) to find this carpet and use it inappropriately.

My wandering in IKEA led me to the rug area - normally a section I skip over. Instead I found this dream of a rug. I spent a long time considering it, rejecting it and deciding that perhaps it might work to cover some of the worst of the rug. Then I collected what I needed for this brilliant project (seriously, most brilliant idea for stairs EVER) for which I am using this rug instead. I got a couple of other things and then headed for home. I laid out dream rug and dreamed of dream couch in the living room.

This led to inspiration!

I decided that I wanted to change my wall color. I picked up these boxes in green and decided that the accent wall I had been intending to paint navy needed to go GREEN. It was a brilliant plan, because I'm brilliant. With the green on the walls, the rest needed to go the color of my dream rug and then my room would be grey, white, black and green. WOO HOO! A decorating scheme! I was so proud of myself for having an idea instead of randomly throwing things in a room.

But now, the carpet has definitely GOT to go. Hell needed its beige. The only quest was what. I looked into carpet (which is clearly some kind of racket run by the mob) and carpet tiles and flooring and .... You can imagine. Turns out that the best deal for something easily cleanable that looks like it costs more than it does and highlights my dream rug and dream couch is an IKEA floor (I think I hear the whir of a spaceship...).

So I purchased my floor and its now cooling its jets for 48 hours in my living room. I am expecting it to lay itself by this weekend. In the meantime, I am creating art for my wall. That will have to wait for another post. I am also changing the knobs on my cabinets since the kitchen over looks the living room and painting those walls as well. I'm also refinishing my end table and coffee table to be black.

Soon, my precious will all come together and I will love it.

Before the next project.....

On a new path

Well it is time to turn that path. Another depressingly high cholesterol reading from the doctor and it was time to make a change.

I looked at a bunch of different options in regards to what to do. I talked and read and checked through websites. I ended up deciding that I needed to just do it. I didn't think I could trust myself enough to do it completely on my own, but I couldn't afford something entirely drastic like doing nutri-system or something where all the food is provided. As much as that was what I probably should have done.

Though some blog adventures, I found a place called Lose It! which allows you to enter what your weight is, share your goal weight and then it tells you how many calories to eat a day based on what you want to lose a week. It makes everything very visual. And for someone who learns better and sees things better visually, it was a good choice for me.

I decided that along with that, I would replace two meals a day with a high protein, low carb bar or shake (Atkins Advantage is best in case you are wondering). Mostly I wanted more protein than carbs in the items I used as replacements - hard to find though! I then had to combine that with staying under my calorie mark for the day. I'm not worrying about exercise as much at this time, because I want to just committ completely to the diet change, regardless of wanting other things.

First week went well. I even made bread from the bread machine - though it is more fat and fiber than carbs because of a low sugar and flour content. I even had some dessert (mini chocolate chips or greek yogurt and blackberries) and some M&Ms during the week which means I didn;'t feel deprived. It was a good solution for me.

And the end result this week? 6 pounds gone. Probably a lot of water weight, but I was just glad that the scale went down. As long as it continually goes down, I will stay on this path. My goal? A total of 55 pounds. Which means only 49 to go!

The end reward? A trip to sunny Barcelona Spain over break.

Cross your fingers and cheer me on!

Looking Around the House

I realise that I have lived in this house for over six months. In fact, it was about this time last year wherein I came to see it for the first time and knew it was just what I wanted for me and the Monkey. It took some doing and some managing and a heck of a lot of worry and waiting and fretting, but I got it in the end. Now is just the part of making it look like I want instead of somewhere I just moved in and set up some furniture. Things are in process. This is a part of the process at this point.

Missing from the photos are the garage and basement, the bottom floor in reality, street level. For the most part, they just house the car and are a convenient walk through to the main floor, which is where we spend most of our time.

Standing in the kitchen looking at the stairs down to the basement:


The living room where we spend most of our time. This is the east facing side of the house so it gets lovely morning sun. The yellow wall is going to go navy. Eventually.

This is standing where the tv is and looking at the couch. You can see the splash of navy on the wall. It is a start at trying to find the right color of navy - which is harder than you'd think. On the other hand, the carpet needs to go. I think the cats have radar in terms of knowing just to throw up ON the carpet instead of the easy to clean laminate. It just needs to go. I've at least got a color range for that picked out.


Standing in the living room looking into the kitchen. I am hoping to turn it kind of a light sagey green. I've picked out new handles, but am saving up to get them. It will make the kitchen look less yellowy and more neutral. This place started out with a lot of yellow based colors and I'm moving it towards the greyer end of colors since that is more of who I am.


More of the kitchen. I also want new counter tops and a back splash. Some day...


The dining room. I like the color, but it is not what I am going for in the room. You can see I tested things on the wall - that's kind of the color I am going for, but it was a bit too blue and not grey enough. Color tribulations.


Standing in the dining room and looking at the stairs to go up. I want the carpet on these stairs to go. Merlin spends his life shedding on them. They're never clean. I would have to vaccum two hours every day to keep it clean.


My bedroom. The wall was my best find. It was a returned gallon - got it for five bucks. I had the shelf. The curtain rod was 2 and the fabric headboard piece was only 7 and I have a lot more of it. You didn't get to see the cool duvet and pillows since I was cleaning, but they are nice - patterend shades of gray.


Another carpet I want gone. I hope to dye the curtains black since I like the pattern that they have - very antique kind of look.


The new art I made for K.

Monkey room! He choose the colors of the walls, I choose the curtains. He wanted it to look like an ocean.


Craft room! Kieran picked the colors here as well. I happen to love them. I think I am going to take time to paint all the furniture white to have it retreat. I also want the carpet in this room gone. But with the shade all the way up, it is a great room to work in. I also freehanded the poppies on the wall. I love how they pop in comparison to the dark wall color.

That would be the sum of it. I didn't photograph the outside or the three bathrooms. Perhaps another time. I just need to learn how to lay laminate floor next. Anyone want to teach me?!

Random Thoughts

So here's the goal for the new year, attempt to post once a week. I keep having great posts rolling around in my head, now I just need to type them out and let the rest of the world enjoy them. Of course the physical act of sitting down and typing things up doesn't always work that well. Maybe I just need a keep who follows me around and tells me what to do and when to do it. Now that would be nice. Think someone could arrange that for me?!

*crickets*

Didn't think so.

In the meantime, on to the list of random things.

1 - Proof I have named Paranoid and Delusional accurately
You would think that I had named them correct merely because that is their names, but occasional proof is a fine addition to those who need it. So my black cat is named Delusional. Why, one would wonder. Well the answer to that is obvious. He thinks he's in charge of this house. That is when he's not thinking he's a dog, playing fetch with his ball by himself. Or thinking he's a human by taking a whole seat of the couch by himself. Paranoid's (the orange one) proof is a lot easier. Get out the vacuum, he hides (even if you are just moving it from room to room). Let him fall asleep, hear a noise, cat pops up, staring around for the source of the sound, certain something is out to get him. Sneak up on him, watch the cat jump forty feet into the air. At least his paranoia provides the rest of us with endless amusement. But then both of the seem to be absolutely certain I am going to never come back on Fridays and feed them. As if I could forget their bottomless stomachs.

2 - Food or Why I hate my Hips
I eat and it has a horrid tendency of attaching itself to my hips and leaving itself there. It is stubborn about being removed despite my endlessly badgering. So I have made the historic decision to do something about it. I enjoy eating so I don't really WANT to do something about it, I'd rather just watch Food Network and allow myself to wallow in everything full of fat and sugar. But the mere thought of a heart attack at 40, or earlier, has convinced me that it is not acceptable to continue on in such a manner. I need to learn new habits. So in order to have a heart that continues beating and to reduce the cholesterol clogging it, it is time to lose the weight so that everything else goes down to a normal level. But that means, less than 1000 calories a day, losing most of the caffeine I had been ingesting and no more sweets. Hopefully I can make it through this regimented life. There is no end goal for this, just relearning how to eat and PORTION PORTION PORTION.

3 - Christmas
This holiday was rather enjoyable this year. I think I received some brilliant things and it was a time when I felt glad that I was a mom and was about to give Kieran everything he deserved which was the best part of all. Not that I spent thousands or even hundreds on him, but enough to make sure he was happy and enjoyed his time and really feel like he was a kid. It made me feel good as a parent to see him happy and I felt like I was successful as a parent which recently had been a hard thing to come by.

4 - Money
I think the last time I had posted I had been worrying about money. I think I have managed to solve the problem to some degree. Hopefully.

Okay - my brain has now derailed. Of course part of that is because Delusional has returned to his favorite napping spot and is kneading the blanket on my lap which must mean it is time for another nap... Maybe.

Zen and the Art of Painting

Ever have one of those zen moments in your life?

I find that I rarely have them as in general it is rarely quiet in my house. Monkey talks far too much for anyone to qualify for creating silence. In fact, I think it was just Thursday that he talked from the moment we got home from school until he went to sleep - and even then he was up and down until 9pm. I don't often mind a lack of silence. I enjoy having the tv on and noise when I sleep. So to say that I need silence even would be a bit of a misnomer. On the other hand, some times, silence is just what you need.

And what might this have to do with painting a clever reader would wonder?

It has to do with how I spent a Saturday - a ten hour Saturday mind you.

Painting. Four coats of paint in a roughing 12 by 12 room. Now to be fair, I volunteered for this activity because in reality, I love to paint. In fact, if I had my druthers, every time I had a bad day, I'd buy a gallon of paint and come home and paint a room and then feel far more relaxed and together.

The best thing about the painting though was the silence. I originally intended to listen to my iPod throughout the experience and sing, but it was deader than the proverbial doornail. So no music. Funnily enough, I didn't mind. It was quiet. The family whose room I was painting, was around in the house and making just enough noise for it not to feel eerie, but the room was silent. I figured I'd go crazy, but in honesty, I don't even know what I thought about all day. It was just peaceful and quiet and my mind didn't dwell on anything. I jumped a bit from thought to thought, but nothing long term. It was all about the motion and repetition and getting things right. I hummed a bit and muttered a bit, but it was so ... Zen. If I think about it - it's how people who are really into running must feel during marathoning. You are just listening to your body and its rhythm and nothing more or less. And without the music, of course, I lost track of time completely. It was just about finishing the project and seeing the complete project. It was deeply satisfying and so peaceful that I don't even think I can describe it.

Of course my body now hates me, but it was worth it. For the Zen of it.

Pity Party

Pity Party in full swing over here. Everyone is welcome.

Seriously, some days I really just would like to try someone else's life for a time. Do you think that could be arranged?! I am sick and tired of not having a dime to my name and living hand to mouth or worse. What is worse than hand to mouth? Other than living in your mother's house when you are 36 years old and have a child of your own.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am grateful to my mom for a lot of reasons and I love her to death and would not ever want to be without her, but it is rather nice to live one's own pathetic life at one's own house even if the life to be had is pathetic at best. You buy a house and you think that it is going to be yours and you are going to get to live in it and have money to decorate it just as you would like and be proud of it, but instead things go all pear shaped and instead you rent for months, move things in, but not yourself and end up with a quarter to decorate everything with. And to somehow pull out from your magic hat a whole paycheck worth of pay that doesn't really exist.

*sigh*

I'm exhausted and annoyed and I just wish I was in my house with my things and getting to watch my own tv and put my son into bed in his own room away from me. I wish I had the money to buy a proper headboard and a new sofa and paint.

These are the things that elude me. I wish I wasn't so upset about missing out on things that people at work did and how they had fun. I wish I had fun this summer instead of working 20 hours a week or more and having to drag my son around with me every time I went and then having to listen to him whine about having to be there. I wish that I wasn't having to be an adult and be sensible all the time. I wish I had the money to go on vacation. I wish I had a friend to go and hang out with instead of feeling all alone in this craptastic world.

Because that's what I feel like. I'm all alone with nothing and the world keeps crapping on me for stuff I can't be in control of (see cable disconnection fee and apartment people telling me I am going to have to pay $$$ to replace carpet and cat scratches). See me being 36 and unmarried and without even a date or a friend in the world. See me having a job that I should love and be thrilled with but instead feel like it is beating me down and wearing me out before school even starts. See me wondering why the hell I even bother.

Yes, I know "wah wah wah - you have it so much better than some people". I get that. It is an intellectual measure to know that people have less than me and their lives are even more crappy. But every once in awhile, I feel it is fair for me to be able to pity myself. I just want nice things and a life that leaves me feeling content. Where Monday is not dreaded because it means dealing with things I'm not ready for, I don't have to raid the couch cushions to buy my son milk and someone is willing to be my friend.

Maybe tomorrow it will be better. Maybe fatigue does make cowards of us all. Maybe it the money tree will sprout. Maybe a decorating budget will be found. Maybe I will get a vacation.

Somehow, I'm not counting on Maybe.