Spring Break Introspection

The one thing about spring break - or any time off of work, wherein you don't ever actually spend any time thinking about work - is that you have lots of time to think about other things.  Things like why you are the way you are, how come cats are alternately fascinated and terrified by the concept of an door, how come you can't manage to lose weight and when the best time to take a nap is.  And you clean things - lots of things.  But the cleaning and painting are for another post - though I am happy to share what two terrified cats look like:

 

Aside from terrifying cats and napping, I have been thinking about why I am the way I am.  The feeling off being alone and why I don't bother to go and date or anything of the like.  Why I would chose to have a baby on my own instead of taking the time to date.  Why I don't like who I am at times.  It is hard to realise that you have to be willing to change yourself in order to make certain you are able to be in a relationship - instead of becoming the crazy cat lady you are on your way to becoming.

Instead of becoming the cat lady, spring break gave me a bit of time to look instead.  Part of it came from watching, of all things, What Not to Wear and there was someone on there who had this complete blank look through all of the criticism part.  I realise that is what I do.  I get that blank affect to myself when I want to protect myself.  Not only am I an introvert, which makes it hard to want to go out and be with strangers in general, but I also work very hard to use a shell to protect myself.  I hate nothing more than being hurt - especially by people I like or respect or care for.  And I am an emotional person - everything hurts and can cause emotional pain.  So therefore I use a shell to protect myself so I don't get hurt.  I use this blank face that hides everything I am thinking.  I've been called on it before - generally by my director who knows what I am doing.  Usually she's asked me something and I have put on that face to protect myself from giving an immediate answer.

But I realise that I probably use that blank face more often than I am aware of.  Any time I want to protect myself or hide, I use it.  I think I am protecting myself, but really what I am doing is putting people off.  You can't read my expression or my emotions and I am not going to give you a hint so of course you aren't going to be open or friendly because you can't see me or really get to know me.  All you get is nada.

So you want to meet someone, but that requires vulnerability.  And if you are so worried about protecting yourself, you can't afford to be vulnerable.  In the end though, that vulnerability is worth it because you can spend time getting to know someone and making friends.  I am sure that lack of vulnerability has led to less friends as I get older and certainly an unwillingness to date and more time spent with cats.  I just need to get out and try.

And then, just as importantly, face it at work.  I need to be willing to show that vulnerability at work as well.  To show I am not perfect and am willing to learn.  I believe that I can learn and grow and maybe learn to be open to change.  Part of it is that I don't like being in an administrative role.  It isolates you far more and means that you don't have a lot of time to be yourself and be open to being friends.  And when you don't know a lot of people outside of work, you end up isolated.  And then you get used that isolation and so it carries over to your personal life.  Then you don't need to bother to try.  And so you become the crazy cat lady.

Hopefully acknowledging the need for change allows me to begin thinking about the change I want so I can make it.  A lot of it starts with building some self confidence in the fact that people can like me for me.  I don't need to be something, pretend,or lose wait.  Losing weight can help me build confidence, but it's not going to give me confidence alone.  I can do it.  I can lose the weight - 10 pounds a month means five months of work.  I've got to add in the exercise and I'm working on that part.  I can look good.  I can make it better.  Just one day at a time.  And taking a minute to step outside and look at myself as others might can only help as well.

Dreams

We all have dreams.  And I'm not talking about the dreams of 'when I grow up...'.  No I'm talking about the ones that happen when you are supposed to be asleep and deep within another realm.  Some of these are standard and typical and relate to crap you go through during the day.  Some times they are just bizarre.  Some times they are scary.  But we all have them. 

Most of the time, I can figure out where the dream comes from - what idea triggered that dream experience.  I often dream of certain things.  One of them is my grandparents and their house in the Cincinnati area of Ohio.  The house is no longer there and neither are, sadly, my grandparents.  I often dream of being in that house and feeling like they are still alive.  I dream about walking through the house, about being there with them again, about staying in the house again.  I know they are no longer there and I know that I dream about the house and going through and being with my grandparents because I wasn't there when they cleaned the house after their deaths.  I know that I still have 'issues' regarding closure with this.  It is what it is.  I have to live with those dreams and memories and they will always be a part of me.

So I get dreaming about my grandparents.

I get dreaming about my best friend and talking with her.

I get dreaming about school and job related crap.  After all, who doesn't?

I even get dreaming about sex.  I mean, really, I'm a single mom who's not dating.  I have needs and they aren't being met in terms of sex.  It's my choice to not be dating.  It's my choice not to be randomly picking up men in bars - not that I think I'm truly capable of that.  Ok that sounds a bit wrong.  What I mean is that I don't have enough confidence in how I look to feel like I could attract someone I'd like to sleep with. 

What I don't get is WHO I often dream about outside of my grandparents and best friend.  Most often when I dream about sex and men especially, I dream about the guy (boy really) that I had a crush on all through elementary school.  He came in second grade and I probably had a crush on him from day one until I moved out in fifth grade.  I don't think it's all that unusual for girls to have a crush on a boy for that period of time.  Though of course my son is now this age and I think 'dear god does some little girl have a crush on my son like that?!' and the mother in me panics a little.  (Though to be fair my son is cute, but not the cutest in the class so probably not).

Anyway, I had a crush on a guy named Andy from second to fifth grade.  In fifth grade, I moved in March so it's not like he and I ever really 'dated' or even truly kissed!  But there must have been something about him that resonanted.  Or maybe it was just the longest time I had a crush on a guy.  I don't know, but I do know that at least once a month (or more) I dream about him.  Not about him as a boy though.  Oh no, he's definitely all man.  Tall and blonde.  And all man.  The dreams are all about the attraction between us.  About renewing and being together. 

What I want to know, is WHY?!  Why do I dream about this guy?  I have never seen him as an adult.  I don't even know if he's still alive.  I haven't seen him since the day I moved in fifth grade, so why do I still dream about him?  Why am I still obsessed with who he is?  Why do I feel like there is some kind of crazy connection to this guy?  Is it just that it was my first crush so therefore we all dream about that person?  Maybe it is just the excitement of the unknown.  I don't know anything about him other than what I remember from then.  Maybe I just need that information so the dreams will stop.  Maybe it just gives me someone random to focus on that is known but unknown.

Who knows.

But I do know that curiousity is strong.

Let's just hope it doesn't kill the pussy.....

How to Feel Better

We all have those days when we feel like crap.  Days when someone has run us over and we just want to run home and cry to Mum to make it better.

Of course when you're nearly 40 that isn't exactly a practical suggestion.  I just don't think someone with a kid of their own, that is nearly a teenager, should run home after a bad day.

So I did what an self-respecting woman should do - I went and bought new shoes. Shoes always make me feel better.  I would love to be Imelda Marcus and have a huge room and 500 pairs of shoes and lots of opportunities to wear them.  Personally I think I have about 50 pairs of shoes, maybe more.  I have managed to get through the first two weeks of the year only wearing some repeats of shoes. It makes it harder to chose what to wear when you have to not wear favorite shoes more than once.  My current favorites are a pair of Steve Madden silver/gray ones.  They are high, but comfortable and look great with so much.  Steve Madden happens to make my favorite because they have a nice wide toe box (my feet are widest at ball of my feet) but a narrower heel.  I appreciate how they a re made and they do tend to have more padding at the ball of the foot as well.  Not the best made shoes in the world, BUT I have a great fear of trying on something that costs more than $100 a pair.  Mostly because I have a serious shoe fetish.  And I'd be spoiled and never be able to properly enjoy my collection again.  Therefore, until I make my first million, nothing too expensive even gets a try on.  Sad.

I now have a FAB - U - LOUS pair to wear to a wedding tonight.  Sparkle and everything.  I have decided to dedicate my Twitter account to tweeting pictures of my shoes.

And just as a reference, here is there pictures of my shoe storage.  I am in desperate need of a second shelf.  Perhaps in the new year I can get that done.

So what is Christmas....

It is one of those things that doesn't always seem to boil down to words.  Funnily enough I had a lot of pictures of people last year, but this year I didn't seem to manage that.  I am not sure why family didn't come into a lot of pictures because I was definitely with them.  Family is what makes everything worth while.  It makes the days good and enjoyable.

Well that and time off of work.

Luckily I have been off for nearly a week now and it has been quite worth it.  I definitely needed the time off and to rest and get some sleep.  It has been delightful.  So far the part was the long and quiet walk around the neighborhood looking at the lights from Christmas.  It was cold though so I wasn't out as long as I might have liked, but perhaps next time.  At least I didn't freeze to death! 

Least favorite so far has been the hideously long drive to Duluth and back.  No one likes to drive, but I am glad to have gotten to spend time with my boy-o on Christmas day.  And the weather was nice which was delightful so the drive was easy compared to the last time I had to deal with that.

Pictures I have though are the things that remind me of the holidays....

Cookies - handmade by my mom

A month's worth of work - delicious and delightful!

We spent six hours frosting cookies, but every minute was worth it.  Such a great plate this year!

Family - Wild and Wacky

Kieran and a video game

Mom, Leah and John in the common gathering place - the kitchen

John in his great new hat

Christmas table setting - always my favorite thing to do

Biggest view of the table

Better view of just the center piece

 I have to admit that the whole thing was about $10 or so.  The glasses are all from the dollar store, painted with modge podge, rolled in Epson salts and glitter and lit with battery operated tea lights.  The silver paint cans are from the dollar section at target with dollar section bulbs in silver.  I think the most expensive part was the two trays.  They were from IKEA, but worth the expense.  The green is a garland from the dollar store.

Place setting with Christmas cracker - silver chargers from the dollar store.  I love the dollar store!

Better view wherein you can see how warm the room was with just the candlelight going.

Christmas tree - I love my tree.  I am so glad I took off the blinkers this year.  It's nice and warm looking.

All lit up

Warmth

Playing with the camera settings.  I think I need to learn a bit more about how to use my camera

Kieran on my tree

Using the flash - almost all ornaments are homemade - such a nice feeling...

It was a good Christmas and a time when I felt much better than I have in a long time when facing this time of year.  And for once a new year shall bring peace.

What I want for Christmas....

I have decided that what I really want is a date with Nathan Fillion.  I wonder if I can put that on my Amazon list?! 

*click* A date with Nathan Fillion has been added to your wishlist - tweet about it?

Okay so he's a real human and can't be randomly collected like some kind of baseball card.

Maybe I will just settle for a date.

Dear Santa,

Please bring me a hot man.  Sense of humor required.  Must tolerate cats and nine year old children.  Desire to have babies a large plus.

Love and believing always -

Me

I don't think that always works either.

I have to admit though that despite blogging twice in two days (somewhere along the line a new record), I am actually feeling rather content at the moment.  There is little to complain about other than work which is not one of those things I can really fix as you are not allowed to simply eject the stupid people from the bus.  Instead, you just encourage them to find a seat closer and closer to the door.  Someday they might even get the hint.  Possibly...

Maybe santa can give me an ejection seat....

I did get to go and see the Nutcracker ballet last night.  I love the music and the power of the dancers.  It was a nice small community kind of production though you could tell the dancers were professionals if nothing else.  The budget was not spent on the story telling though.  And they did not have a lot of male dancers - perhaps a common issue.  I missed some of the parts of the story - the tree growing, the prowling evilness of the Mouse King, Clara's excitement over her new dress.  I have a version of the story that talks about how the nutcracker came to be so imprisoned which is so wonderful.  I would love to see a ballet that incorporated some of that.  A lot of what I missed from this was the idea that this happened to possibly be a 'dream' and how the dream was to have had echoes of what happened to Clara the night before....  It's all just a part of the magic and mystery of the season.  That part that appeals to the romantic in me.  That person who desires hearts and flowers and all kinds of love and to be swept off my feet by prince charming....  Ooo - maybe Santa could bring him!

I am currently watching Holmes INspection and I have to say - I hope that I never have this man in my house.  Not because he's not great at his job - I wish more people had the work ethic that he does, but having him around means my house has LARGE problems.  I am thankful then that I had the inspector I did.  Even though he spent three hours here and climbed in and out of every thing in the house, I know I'm pretty good.

My train of thought derailed with a screech and a shuddering thump.  I think it means I should go and sleep

Or craft.  Whichever comes first.

Just so you know...

It is about that time again.  Another delightful update.

This one topics three important topics:  1. Home Improvement 2. Cats and 3. Christmas.

Why one might ask?  (or might not.  Maybe you merely accept my idiosyncrasies.  If that be the case, I have some people you need to talk to....)

In the meantime, let us continue on with the show starting with topic Number 1:
Home Improvement

One must continually improve one's home.  How Am I doing that these days?  Well the painting is done aside from the touch ups to the dining room.  I made the rather sweeping decision to not change the paint color in that room from what the previous owners had.  It's grown on me so now I just need to find the paint gallon down stairs and bring it up and touch up where I have tested other colors. 

Aside from that issue.  I have not done much else.  I did take Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend and go to IKEA for the deal that they had on the four cubicle shelves.  They were only $19.99 and well worth the price.  Now I just need to get them together and get the basement all settled.  I am hoping to have some desire to get that done tomorrow.  On the other hand, there is a lot of stuff to prep for for the season with shipping overseas and the like.  I have GOT to get my Redditt SS stuff sorted and mailed.  I also have the Sam-chan to get done as well.  And as both have projects that are handmade, I can't mail until I finish those.  I think the basement might have to wait until Christmas break.

I could also consider painting my bedroom them.  And getting the flooring for the basement.  I know I should consider doing that before setting the furniture but the cost isn't something I can afford at the moment.

(On a side note, I hate these Lexus Holiday commercials.  Seriously!  NO one gets a car for CHRISTMAS!  And David Bromstead, I liked you and then you did a room based on Twi-*gagging sound* -light and now I can never see you in the same way - handsome and all.  My heart must solely belong to Nathan Fillion now.)

Aside from that issue, I have other IKEA things I want - my bed for one.  My new sofa...  I think i may have spent my tax return before I even get it.

On to topic two:

CATS

I love my cats, really I do.  I seem to constantly have them cuddling with me these days - either in bed or on the couch.  It makes it difficult to get up and down off the couch and get anything done.  I am usually pinned to my seat by this large fluffy black thing.  It is heavy and keeps me pinned down.  I can't think of why he does it other than to keep me from moving and suck out all the heat from my body.  They get warm and warmer and I freeze regardless. 

It may be a way though to make sure that I don't accidentally shut my cat outside again.  Yes.  I shut my cat outside.  Here is how it all ran down.  I went outside to unplug the lights on my balcony.  Normally my cat ignores the door.  This time, it (this is Delusional btw - Paranoid is too agraphobic to go outside or come near the door regardless of where I am), followed me out.  I unplugged the lights and came back in and shut and locked the door and went to bed. 

Paranoid was not himself in the morning.  (Which shouldn't be that odd, but he was).  I finally realised, after most of my chores, that Delusional was missing.  I finally found him outside.  He had managed to get himself shut out on to the balcony.  I can't believe it.

Of course, they have been clinging to me ever since.  I have been trying to craft and they have been 'helping'.  How do they help?  Sit on my lap.  Chew on packaging.  Bat the jewelry chain around the room.  Of  course.  All things the cats should do, right?

Could someone inform me again of why I have these things that meow constantly, get themselves locked out and eat me out of house and home?!

Yeah.  I didn't think so.

TOPIC 3: Christmas

I am constantly amazed by Christmas.  First of all, this is my favorite season of the year.  I love nothing more than decorating for the season and all the things that go with it.  I like shopping for people and finding just the right present.  I like making things for people.  It is just a super enjoyable part of the year.  Of everything that is just what I love.

I am annoyed about crap at work meaning that we can't celebrate the season or even enjoy Christmas kinds of things with the kids or Hannukah or anything.  It is so annoying that I can't have that enjoyment.  I do get to go to the Nutcracker tonight though so at least I get something.  And I have brilliant shirts from Old Navy to wear about all the time - well, when I am not at school clearly.

Well I had better go.  the cats are meowing and clearly they need to be fed.  Far more important than anything else.

I suppose I should pay more attention to this blog.  Maybe actually use it to write or something.

Or something.

I am not even sure what I should write about.  I am definitely very busy with work crap.  Alright, I shouldn't say crap.  But some days I feel like I wade through far too much of it.  Mostly you want to occasionally knock heads together because you think that some days adults should act like adults.  And you want to be treated (and better yet PAID) like a professional, then you should stand up and act like.

People either get that or they don't.  I can't make them do what I want.  You can lead the horse to water but you can't make them drink.

In the end, I need to focus more on my house when I am here instead of recovering from work.  I have managed to paint the basement.  I need to get the floor laid.  I decided to put down an IKEA laminate floor which is going to make a difference down there.  I considered one of those peel and stick kinds of floors, but I ended up deciding that it would be better to put down something I knew about.  I think it will look better.  Of course I also have a wonderful new saw to help me lay it and I think it will make a difference.  Now I need to decide what kind of furniture to put down there.  I decided it is definitely going to be an office area so I have to measure and lay everything else.


I did get a new piece of furniture to refinish.  It is a super cool vanity. I found it for a grand total of $35 at a thrift store.  It should be awesome when done.  I need to sand it and either paint it grey or black.  I would love to even use wallpaper or something on it - like on the drawers or something.  I shall have to think on it.  Of course I should also consider painting the walls in the bedroom.  I also want to do the bathroom.  I pulled down the extra cabinet that was over the bathroom toilet.  it was super ugly and not me.  I think I might put something up instead, but what I am not sure what.


Now I just need to find motivation to get all this stuff done.  And not want to sit around and cuddle my purring kitty.  I need a purring kitten.


And a hot man.


I wonder which one I might actually get ....