Well it is time to turn that path. Another depressingly high cholesterol reading from the doctor and it was time to make a change.
I looked at a bunch of different options in regards to what to do. I talked and read and checked through websites. I ended up deciding that I needed to just do it. I didn't think I could trust myself enough to do it completely on my own, but I couldn't afford something entirely drastic like doing nutri-system or something where all the food is provided. As much as that was what I probably should have done.
Though some blog adventures, I found a place called Lose It! which allows you to enter what your weight is, share your goal weight and then it tells you how many calories to eat a day based on what you want to lose a week. It makes everything very visual. And for someone who learns better and sees things better visually, it was a good choice for me.
I decided that along with that, I would replace two meals a day with a high protein, low carb bar or shake (Atkins Advantage is best in case you are wondering). Mostly I wanted more protein than carbs in the items I used as replacements - hard to find though! I then had to combine that with staying under my calorie mark for the day. I'm not worrying about exercise as much at this time, because I want to just committ completely to the diet change, regardless of wanting other things.
First week went well. I even made bread from the bread machine - though it is more fat and fiber than carbs because of a low sugar and flour content. I even had some dessert (mini chocolate chips or greek yogurt and blackberries) and some M&Ms during the week which means I didn;'t feel deprived. It was a good solution for me.
And the end result this week? 6 pounds gone. Probably a lot of water weight, but I was just glad that the scale went down. As long as it continually goes down, I will stay on this path. My goal? A total of 55 pounds. Which means only 49 to go!
The end reward? A trip to sunny Barcelona Spain over break.
Cross your fingers and cheer me on!
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Looking Around the House
I realise that I have lived in this house for over six months. In fact, it was about this time last year wherein I came to see it for the first time and knew it was just what I wanted for me and the Monkey. It took some doing and some managing and a heck of a lot of worry and waiting and fretting, but I got it in the end. Now is just the part of making it look like I want instead of somewhere I just moved in and set up some furniture. Things are in process. This is a part of the process at this point.
Missing from the photos are the garage and basement, the bottom floor in reality, street level. For the most part, they just house the car and are a convenient walk through to the main floor, which is where we spend most of our time.
Standing in the kitchen looking at the stairs down to the basement:
The living room where we spend most of our time. This is the east facing side of the house so it gets lovely morning sun. The yellow wall is going to go navy. Eventually.
This is standing where the tv is and looking at the couch. You can see the splash of navy on the wall. It is a start at trying to find the right color of navy - which is harder than you'd think. On the other hand, the carpet needs to go. I think the cats have radar in terms of knowing just to throw up ON the carpet instead of the easy to clean laminate. It just needs to go. I've at least got a color range for that picked out.
Standing in the living room looking into the kitchen. I am hoping to turn it kind of a light sagey green. I've picked out new handles, but am saving up to get them. It will make the kitchen look less yellowy and more neutral. This place started out with a lot of yellow based colors and I'm moving it towards the greyer end of colors since that is more of who I am.
More of the kitchen. I also want new counter tops and a back splash. Some day...
The dining room. I like the color, but it is not what I am going for in the room. You can see I tested things on the wall - that's kind of the color I am going for, but it was a bit too blue and not grey enough. Color tribulations.
Standing in the dining room and looking at the stairs to go up. I want the carpet on these stairs to go. Merlin spends his life shedding on them. They're never clean. I would have to vaccum two hours every day to keep it clean.
My bedroom. The wall was my best find. It was a returned gallon - got it for five bucks. I had the shelf. The curtain rod was 2 and the fabric headboard piece was only 7 and I have a lot more of it. You didn't get to see the cool duvet and pillows since I was cleaning, but they are nice - patterend shades of gray.
Another carpet I want gone. I hope to dye the curtains black since I like the pattern that they have - very antique kind of look.
The new art I made for K.
Monkey room! He choose the colors of the walls, I choose the curtains. He wanted it to look like an ocean.
Craft room! Kieran picked the colors here as well. I happen to love them. I think I am going to take time to paint all the furniture white to have it retreat. I also want the carpet in this room gone. But with the shade all the way up, it is a great room to work in. I also freehanded the poppies on the wall. I love how they pop in comparison to the dark wall color.
That would be the sum of it. I didn't photograph the outside or the three bathrooms. Perhaps another time. I just need to learn how to lay laminate floor next. Anyone want to teach me?!
Missing from the photos are the garage and basement, the bottom floor in reality, street level. For the most part, they just house the car and are a convenient walk through to the main floor, which is where we spend most of our time.
Standing in the kitchen looking at the stairs down to the basement:
The living room where we spend most of our time. This is the east facing side of the house so it gets lovely morning sun. The yellow wall is going to go navy. Eventually.
This is standing where the tv is and looking at the couch. You can see the splash of navy on the wall. It is a start at trying to find the right color of navy - which is harder than you'd think. On the other hand, the carpet needs to go. I think the cats have radar in terms of knowing just to throw up ON the carpet instead of the easy to clean laminate. It just needs to go. I've at least got a color range for that picked out.
Standing in the living room looking into the kitchen. I am hoping to turn it kind of a light sagey green. I've picked out new handles, but am saving up to get them. It will make the kitchen look less yellowy and more neutral. This place started out with a lot of yellow based colors and I'm moving it towards the greyer end of colors since that is more of who I am.
More of the kitchen. I also want new counter tops and a back splash. Some day...
The dining room. I like the color, but it is not what I am going for in the room. You can see I tested things on the wall - that's kind of the color I am going for, but it was a bit too blue and not grey enough. Color tribulations.
Standing in the dining room and looking at the stairs to go up. I want the carpet on these stairs to go. Merlin spends his life shedding on them. They're never clean. I would have to vaccum two hours every day to keep it clean.
My bedroom. The wall was my best find. It was a returned gallon - got it for five bucks. I had the shelf. The curtain rod was 2 and the fabric headboard piece was only 7 and I have a lot more of it. You didn't get to see the cool duvet and pillows since I was cleaning, but they are nice - patterend shades of gray.
Another carpet I want gone. I hope to dye the curtains black since I like the pattern that they have - very antique kind of look.
The new art I made for K.
Monkey room! He choose the colors of the walls, I choose the curtains. He wanted it to look like an ocean.
Craft room! Kieran picked the colors here as well. I happen to love them. I think I am going to take time to paint all the furniture white to have it retreat. I also want the carpet in this room gone. But with the shade all the way up, it is a great room to work in. I also freehanded the poppies on the wall. I love how they pop in comparison to the dark wall color.
That would be the sum of it. I didn't photograph the outside or the three bathrooms. Perhaps another time. I just need to learn how to lay laminate floor next. Anyone want to teach me?!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Random Thoughts
So here's the goal for the new year, attempt to post once a week. I keep having great posts rolling around in my head, now I just need to type them out and let the rest of the world enjoy them. Of course the physical act of sitting down and typing things up doesn't always work that well. Maybe I just need a keep who follows me around and tells me what to do and when to do it. Now that would be nice. Think someone could arrange that for me?!
*crickets*
Didn't think so.
In the meantime, on to the list of random things.
1 - Proof I have named Paranoid and Delusional accurately
You would think that I had named them correct merely because that is their names, but occasional proof is a fine addition to those who need it. So my black cat is named Delusional. Why, one would wonder. Well the answer to that is obvious. He thinks he's in charge of this house. That is when he's not thinking he's a dog, playing fetch with his ball by himself. Or thinking he's a human by taking a whole seat of the couch by himself. Paranoid's (the orange one) proof is a lot easier. Get out the vacuum, he hides (even if you are just moving it from room to room). Let him fall asleep, hear a noise, cat pops up, staring around for the source of the sound, certain something is out to get him. Sneak up on him, watch the cat jump forty feet into the air. At least his paranoia provides the rest of us with endless amusement. But then both of the seem to be absolutely certain I am going to never come back on Fridays and feed them. As if I could forget their bottomless stomachs.
2 - Food or Why I hate my Hips
I eat and it has a horrid tendency of attaching itself to my hips and leaving itself there. It is stubborn about being removed despite my endlessly badgering. So I have made the historic decision to do something about it. I enjoy eating so I don't really WANT to do something about it, I'd rather just watch Food Network and allow myself to wallow in everything full of fat and sugar. But the mere thought of a heart attack at 40, or earlier, has convinced me that it is not acceptable to continue on in such a manner. I need to learn new habits. So in order to have a heart that continues beating and to reduce the cholesterol clogging it, it is time to lose the weight so that everything else goes down to a normal level. But that means, less than 1000 calories a day, losing most of the caffeine I had been ingesting and no more sweets. Hopefully I can make it through this regimented life. There is no end goal for this, just relearning how to eat and PORTION PORTION PORTION.
3 - Christmas
This holiday was rather enjoyable this year. I think I received some brilliant things and it was a time when I felt glad that I was a mom and was about to give Kieran everything he deserved which was the best part of all. Not that I spent thousands or even hundreds on him, but enough to make sure he was happy and enjoyed his time and really feel like he was a kid. It made me feel good as a parent to see him happy and I felt like I was successful as a parent which recently had been a hard thing to come by.
4 - Money
I think the last time I had posted I had been worrying about money. I think I have managed to solve the problem to some degree. Hopefully.
Okay - my brain has now derailed. Of course part of that is because Delusional has returned to his favorite napping spot and is kneading the blanket on my lap which must mean it is time for another nap... Maybe.
*crickets*
Didn't think so.
In the meantime, on to the list of random things.
1 - Proof I have named Paranoid and Delusional accurately
You would think that I had named them correct merely because that is their names, but occasional proof is a fine addition to those who need it. So my black cat is named Delusional. Why, one would wonder. Well the answer to that is obvious. He thinks he's in charge of this house. That is when he's not thinking he's a dog, playing fetch with his ball by himself. Or thinking he's a human by taking a whole seat of the couch by himself. Paranoid's (the orange one) proof is a lot easier. Get out the vacuum, he hides (even if you are just moving it from room to room). Let him fall asleep, hear a noise, cat pops up, staring around for the source of the sound, certain something is out to get him. Sneak up on him, watch the cat jump forty feet into the air. At least his paranoia provides the rest of us with endless amusement. But then both of the seem to be absolutely certain I am going to never come back on Fridays and feed them. As if I could forget their bottomless stomachs.
2 - Food or Why I hate my Hips
I eat and it has a horrid tendency of attaching itself to my hips and leaving itself there. It is stubborn about being removed despite my endlessly badgering. So I have made the historic decision to do something about it. I enjoy eating so I don't really WANT to do something about it, I'd rather just watch Food Network and allow myself to wallow in everything full of fat and sugar. But the mere thought of a heart attack at 40, or earlier, has convinced me that it is not acceptable to continue on in such a manner. I need to learn new habits. So in order to have a heart that continues beating and to reduce the cholesterol clogging it, it is time to lose the weight so that everything else goes down to a normal level. But that means, less than 1000 calories a day, losing most of the caffeine I had been ingesting and no more sweets. Hopefully I can make it through this regimented life. There is no end goal for this, just relearning how to eat and PORTION PORTION PORTION.
3 - Christmas
This holiday was rather enjoyable this year. I think I received some brilliant things and it was a time when I felt glad that I was a mom and was about to give Kieran everything he deserved which was the best part of all. Not that I spent thousands or even hundreds on him, but enough to make sure he was happy and enjoyed his time and really feel like he was a kid. It made me feel good as a parent to see him happy and I felt like I was successful as a parent which recently had been a hard thing to come by.
4 - Money
I think the last time I had posted I had been worrying about money. I think I have managed to solve the problem to some degree. Hopefully.
Okay - my brain has now derailed. Of course part of that is because Delusional has returned to his favorite napping spot and is kneading the blanket on my lap which must mean it is time for another nap... Maybe.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Zen and the Art of Painting
Ever have one of those zen moments in your life?
I find that I rarely have them as in general it is rarely quiet in my house. Monkey talks far too much for anyone to qualify for creating silence. In fact, I think it was just Thursday that he talked from the moment we got home from school until he went to sleep - and even then he was up and down until 9pm. I don't often mind a lack of silence. I enjoy having the tv on and noise when I sleep. So to say that I need silence even would be a bit of a misnomer. On the other hand, some times, silence is just what you need.
And what might this have to do with painting a clever reader would wonder?
It has to do with how I spent a Saturday - a ten hour Saturday mind you.
Painting. Four coats of paint in a roughing 12 by 12 room. Now to be fair, I volunteered for this activity because in reality, I love to paint. In fact, if I had my druthers, every time I had a bad day, I'd buy a gallon of paint and come home and paint a room and then feel far more relaxed and together.
The best thing about the painting though was the silence. I originally intended to listen to my iPod throughout the experience and sing, but it was deader than the proverbial doornail. So no music. Funnily enough, I didn't mind. It was quiet. The family whose room I was painting, was around in the house and making just enough noise for it not to feel eerie, but the room was silent. I figured I'd go crazy, but in honesty, I don't even know what I thought about all day. It was just peaceful and quiet and my mind didn't dwell on anything. I jumped a bit from thought to thought, but nothing long term. It was all about the motion and repetition and getting things right. I hummed a bit and muttered a bit, but it was so ... Zen. If I think about it - it's how people who are really into running must feel during marathoning. You are just listening to your body and its rhythm and nothing more or less. And without the music, of course, I lost track of time completely. It was just about finishing the project and seeing the complete project. It was deeply satisfying and so peaceful that I don't even think I can describe it.
Of course my body now hates me, but it was worth it. For the Zen of it.
I find that I rarely have them as in general it is rarely quiet in my house. Monkey talks far too much for anyone to qualify for creating silence. In fact, I think it was just Thursday that he talked from the moment we got home from school until he went to sleep - and even then he was up and down until 9pm. I don't often mind a lack of silence. I enjoy having the tv on and noise when I sleep. So to say that I need silence even would be a bit of a misnomer. On the other hand, some times, silence is just what you need.
And what might this have to do with painting a clever reader would wonder?
It has to do with how I spent a Saturday - a ten hour Saturday mind you.
Painting. Four coats of paint in a roughing 12 by 12 room. Now to be fair, I volunteered for this activity because in reality, I love to paint. In fact, if I had my druthers, every time I had a bad day, I'd buy a gallon of paint and come home and paint a room and then feel far more relaxed and together.
The best thing about the painting though was the silence. I originally intended to listen to my iPod throughout the experience and sing, but it was deader than the proverbial doornail. So no music. Funnily enough, I didn't mind. It was quiet. The family whose room I was painting, was around in the house and making just enough noise for it not to feel eerie, but the room was silent. I figured I'd go crazy, but in honesty, I don't even know what I thought about all day. It was just peaceful and quiet and my mind didn't dwell on anything. I jumped a bit from thought to thought, but nothing long term. It was all about the motion and repetition and getting things right. I hummed a bit and muttered a bit, but it was so ... Zen. If I think about it - it's how people who are really into running must feel during marathoning. You are just listening to your body and its rhythm and nothing more or less. And without the music, of course, I lost track of time completely. It was just about finishing the project and seeing the complete project. It was deeply satisfying and so peaceful that I don't even think I can describe it.
Of course my body now hates me, but it was worth it. For the Zen of it.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Pity Party
Pity Party in full swing over here. Everyone is welcome.
Seriously, some days I really just would like to try someone else's life for a time. Do you think that could be arranged?! I am sick and tired of not having a dime to my name and living hand to mouth or worse. What is worse than hand to mouth? Other than living in your mother's house when you are 36 years old and have a child of your own.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am grateful to my mom for a lot of reasons and I love her to death and would not ever want to be without her, but it is rather nice to live one's own pathetic life at one's own house even if the life to be had is pathetic at best. You buy a house and you think that it is going to be yours and you are going to get to live in it and have money to decorate it just as you would like and be proud of it, but instead things go all pear shaped and instead you rent for months, move things in, but not yourself and end up with a quarter to decorate everything with. And to somehow pull out from your magic hat a whole paycheck worth of pay that doesn't really exist.
*sigh*
I'm exhausted and annoyed and I just wish I was in my house with my things and getting to watch my own tv and put my son into bed in his own room away from me. I wish I had the money to buy a proper headboard and a new sofa and paint.
These are the things that elude me. I wish I wasn't so upset about missing out on things that people at work did and how they had fun. I wish I had fun this summer instead of working 20 hours a week or more and having to drag my son around with me every time I went and then having to listen to him whine about having to be there. I wish that I wasn't having to be an adult and be sensible all the time. I wish I had the money to go on vacation. I wish I had a friend to go and hang out with instead of feeling all alone in this craptastic world.
Because that's what I feel like. I'm all alone with nothing and the world keeps crapping on me for stuff I can't be in control of (see cable disconnection fee and apartment people telling me I am going to have to pay $$$ to replace carpet and cat scratches). See me being 36 and unmarried and without even a date or a friend in the world. See me having a job that I should love and be thrilled with but instead feel like it is beating me down and wearing me out before school even starts. See me wondering why the hell I even bother.
Yes, I know "wah wah wah - you have it so much better than some people". I get that. It is an intellectual measure to know that people have less than me and their lives are even more crappy. But every once in awhile, I feel it is fair for me to be able to pity myself. I just want nice things and a life that leaves me feeling content. Where Monday is not dreaded because it means dealing with things I'm not ready for, I don't have to raid the couch cushions to buy my son milk and someone is willing to be my friend.
Maybe tomorrow it will be better. Maybe fatigue does make cowards of us all. Maybe it the money tree will sprout. Maybe a decorating budget will be found. Maybe I will get a vacation.
Somehow, I'm not counting on Maybe.
Seriously, some days I really just would like to try someone else's life for a time. Do you think that could be arranged?! I am sick and tired of not having a dime to my name and living hand to mouth or worse. What is worse than hand to mouth? Other than living in your mother's house when you are 36 years old and have a child of your own.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am grateful to my mom for a lot of reasons and I love her to death and would not ever want to be without her, but it is rather nice to live one's own pathetic life at one's own house even if the life to be had is pathetic at best. You buy a house and you think that it is going to be yours and you are going to get to live in it and have money to decorate it just as you would like and be proud of it, but instead things go all pear shaped and instead you rent for months, move things in, but not yourself and end up with a quarter to decorate everything with. And to somehow pull out from your magic hat a whole paycheck worth of pay that doesn't really exist.
*sigh*
I'm exhausted and annoyed and I just wish I was in my house with my things and getting to watch my own tv and put my son into bed in his own room away from me. I wish I had the money to buy a proper headboard and a new sofa and paint.
These are the things that elude me. I wish I wasn't so upset about missing out on things that people at work did and how they had fun. I wish I had fun this summer instead of working 20 hours a week or more and having to drag my son around with me every time I went and then having to listen to him whine about having to be there. I wish that I wasn't having to be an adult and be sensible all the time. I wish I had the money to go on vacation. I wish I had a friend to go and hang out with instead of feeling all alone in this craptastic world.
Because that's what I feel like. I'm all alone with nothing and the world keeps crapping on me for stuff I can't be in control of (see cable disconnection fee and apartment people telling me I am going to have to pay $$$ to replace carpet and cat scratches). See me being 36 and unmarried and without even a date or a friend in the world. See me having a job that I should love and be thrilled with but instead feel like it is beating me down and wearing me out before school even starts. See me wondering why the hell I even bother.
Yes, I know "wah wah wah - you have it so much better than some people". I get that. It is an intellectual measure to know that people have less than me and their lives are even more crappy. But every once in awhile, I feel it is fair for me to be able to pity myself. I just want nice things and a life that leaves me feeling content. Where Monday is not dreaded because it means dealing with things I'm not ready for, I don't have to raid the couch cushions to buy my son milk and someone is willing to be my friend.
Maybe tomorrow it will be better. Maybe fatigue does make cowards of us all. Maybe it the money tree will sprout. Maybe a decorating budget will be found. Maybe I will get a vacation.
Somehow, I'm not counting on Maybe.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Notes, Dreams and Ponderings...
I just want to know why it is that I have crazy dreams. Is it something that I eat? Is it something I can control?! Actually I don't think that I can control it. I just wish I could open up my brain and download it into my blog because some of these could seriously make heck of a book. I mean, if Stephanie Meyer can make money writing crap my fantastically unusual dreams would be far more interesting.
Dream #1 -
Somehow this was influenced by reading about the Bachelor on MamaPop (which is funny enough to make me pee my pants laughing, but never something to actually inspire me to watch that kind of trashy tv). It was about like 4 boys and 3 girls or more (not sure exactly) living in some house and randomly dating one another. One of the kids was famous for some reason (not sure what) and I was all about having to try and date each one (yes, I was one of the girls) and arguing about how I should get a chance to date the young and handsome hunk who was a star of some kind. I didn't want to be excluded just because I was older and not as hot as all the other girls. I think this bizarro dream was also influenced by the fact that I was watching a rather badly acted (I can soooo act better) cheesy Disney teen movie. Oh Here if you must know... Though I also think this may have been influenced by reading about Percy Jackson.
Hey, at least I keep myself entertained and off the street. It always makes a difference. Now, this would clearly not make a good book, but it does lead me to another question - why is it that I always want these blond guys in my dreams?! Why is that? Most of the times, the blond happens to be the guy I had a crush on all through elementary school. (We will protect his identity as I am sure he'd rather not to be associated with this weird little blog.)
Dream # 2 - Far far more psychotic. My guess is that this would be enough to get me committed in some instances. This one I have no frame of reference of where it came from.
Somehow there was these four different people who were all being stalked through time by some serial killer for a reason that I couldn't quite place until the end. It was all about how this one girl loved this other boy who was younger than her and taking care of him and others were just letting it happen. Odd - I know. This one I didn't seem to be a part of for the most part because I was watching things. Somehow the person who was doing the stalking was able to manipulate them through time and even had the ability to make what they thought was their dream and then turned the dream against them. Like someone was going to be having a family and then the family that they thought was theirs was killed - that kind of psychotic little twists. Somehow at the end the four people that were being hunted were kids again and I adopted them and was planning on protecting them from the person hunting them.
Really I need my head examined.
Of course it is better than dreaming about work things which would have made me crazy.
There are some things which no one needs.
Now I'd best get work things done so that I can go to bed at a decent time.
Dream #1 -
Somehow this was influenced by reading about the Bachelor on MamaPop (which is funny enough to make me pee my pants laughing, but never something to actually inspire me to watch that kind of trashy tv). It was about like 4 boys and 3 girls or more (not sure exactly) living in some house and randomly dating one another. One of the kids was famous for some reason (not sure what) and I was all about having to try and date each one (yes, I was one of the girls) and arguing about how I should get a chance to date the young and handsome hunk who was a star of some kind. I didn't want to be excluded just because I was older and not as hot as all the other girls. I think this bizarro dream was also influenced by the fact that I was watching a rather badly acted (I can soooo act better) cheesy Disney teen movie. Oh Here if you must know... Though I also think this may have been influenced by reading about Percy Jackson.
Hey, at least I keep myself entertained and off the street. It always makes a difference. Now, this would clearly not make a good book, but it does lead me to another question - why is it that I always want these blond guys in my dreams?! Why is that? Most of the times, the blond happens to be the guy I had a crush on all through elementary school. (We will protect his identity as I am sure he'd rather not to be associated with this weird little blog.)
Dream # 2 - Far far more psychotic. My guess is that this would be enough to get me committed in some instances. This one I have no frame of reference of where it came from.
Somehow there was these four different people who were all being stalked through time by some serial killer for a reason that I couldn't quite place until the end. It was all about how this one girl loved this other boy who was younger than her and taking care of him and others were just letting it happen. Odd - I know. This one I didn't seem to be a part of for the most part because I was watching things. Somehow the person who was doing the stalking was able to manipulate them through time and even had the ability to make what they thought was their dream and then turned the dream against them. Like someone was going to be having a family and then the family that they thought was theirs was killed - that kind of psychotic little twists. Somehow at the end the four people that were being hunted were kids again and I adopted them and was planning on protecting them from the person hunting them.
Really I need my head examined.
Of course it is better than dreaming about work things which would have made me crazy.
There are some things which no one needs.
Now I'd best get work things done so that I can go to bed at a decent time.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
They tell me love is in the air, but I've yet to spot it myself...
It's kind of like one of those hidden pictures where you have be able to stand back and focus and see the picture in the dots. I never got those. My eye sight is so bad that I can't figure it out even when I know what it is supposed to be....
I don't really get the whole Valentine thing. I suppose its because I don't get the whole dating thing since I've been divorced. Maybe its because I can't relate to men. Who knows? I think a lot of it is that I don't really know how to be around them. Part of that is a whole bunch of circumstances that lead up to having a hard time having these conversations. When my Dad died, I ended up being stuck in a role that took me a long time to grow out of. It meant that I lost a lot of time learning how to relate and flirt and make those connections. Of course it didn't help that I moved around so much during the awkward preteen/teen years. You learn to shut yourself off and be what people want in order to fit in.
So by the time I grew out of that and even learned that I could be myself, I was already married. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved (love) my ex, but I was never myself and kept so much pinned inside it was hard by then for us to relate to one another and even harder for me to say things I really meant or who I really was. It just was that way. And on top of that, the loss of my 'older' brother and then my grandfather (my dad's father) never left things the same for me.
So I learned to be something of a chameleon. I blend in. I tend to stay rather introverted. I don't tend to show people who I really am - especially around guys. I tend to be what I think people want - not just myself. I play different roles for the situation which means I struggle to just be myself. When out dating, I think I've met one guy I felt like I could be more of myself. It's hard when you want to 'fall in love and meet prince charming' when you're not playing yourself, but being Cinderella and that's not who you really are. Some things don't just jive together. I do better with woman - easier to relate to people who ou don't have to play roles for.
And today I was reading PostSecret and one of the 'secrets' was about wanting to not be set up all the time. See - that wouldn't bug me in the slightest. But then, I don't think the people I'm around know me well enough to even consider that. I guess that's my own fault. I wasn't taught or built to be something other than a chameleon - maybe I just have to accept that I am a chameleon and find the prince who'd like to be with a different person every night....
Either that or just enjoy being alone.
Or garner enough strength to just show myself as I am and not worry so much about what might happen because of it....
I don't really get the whole Valentine thing. I suppose its because I don't get the whole dating thing since I've been divorced. Maybe its because I can't relate to men. Who knows? I think a lot of it is that I don't really know how to be around them. Part of that is a whole bunch of circumstances that lead up to having a hard time having these conversations. When my Dad died, I ended up being stuck in a role that took me a long time to grow out of. It meant that I lost a lot of time learning how to relate and flirt and make those connections. Of course it didn't help that I moved around so much during the awkward preteen/teen years. You learn to shut yourself off and be what people want in order to fit in.
So by the time I grew out of that and even learned that I could be myself, I was already married. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved (love) my ex, but I was never myself and kept so much pinned inside it was hard by then for us to relate to one another and even harder for me to say things I really meant or who I really was. It just was that way. And on top of that, the loss of my 'older' brother and then my grandfather (my dad's father) never left things the same for me.
So I learned to be something of a chameleon. I blend in. I tend to stay rather introverted. I don't tend to show people who I really am - especially around guys. I tend to be what I think people want - not just myself. I play different roles for the situation which means I struggle to just be myself. When out dating, I think I've met one guy I felt like I could be more of myself. It's hard when you want to 'fall in love and meet prince charming' when you're not playing yourself, but being Cinderella and that's not who you really are. Some things don't just jive together. I do better with woman - easier to relate to people who ou don't have to play roles for.
And today I was reading PostSecret and one of the 'secrets' was about wanting to not be set up all the time. See - that wouldn't bug me in the slightest. But then, I don't think the people I'm around know me well enough to even consider that. I guess that's my own fault. I wasn't taught or built to be something other than a chameleon - maybe I just have to accept that I am a chameleon and find the prince who'd like to be with a different person every night....
Either that or just enjoy being alone.
Or garner enough strength to just show myself as I am and not worry so much about what might happen because of it....
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