Sunday, January 27, 2013


We all have dreams.  And I'm not talking about the dreams of 'when I grow up...'.  No I'm talking about the ones that happen when you are supposed to be asleep and deep within another realm.  Some of these are standard and typical and relate to crap you go through during the day.  Some times they are just bizarre.  Some times they are scary.  But we all have them. 

Most of the time, I can figure out where the dream comes from - what idea triggered that dream experience.  I often dream of certain things.  One of them is my grandparents and their house in the Cincinnati area of Ohio.  The house is no longer there and neither are, sadly, my grandparents.  I often dream of being in that house and feeling like they are still alive.  I dream about walking through the house, about being there with them again, about staying in the house again.  I know they are no longer there and I know that I dream about the house and going through and being with my grandparents because I wasn't there when they cleaned the house after their deaths.  I know that I still have 'issues' regarding closure with this.  It is what it is.  I have to live with those dreams and memories and they will always be a part of me.

So I get dreaming about my grandparents.

I get dreaming about my best friend and talking with her.

I get dreaming about school and job related crap.  After all, who doesn't?

I even get dreaming about sex.  I mean, really, I'm a single mom who's not dating.  I have needs and they aren't being met in terms of sex.  It's my choice to not be dating.  It's my choice not to be randomly picking up men in bars - not that I think I'm truly capable of that.  Ok that sounds a bit wrong.  What I mean is that I don't have enough confidence in how I look to feel like I could attract someone I'd like to sleep with. 

What I don't get is WHO I often dream about outside of my grandparents and best friend.  Most often when I dream about sex and men especially, I dream about the guy (boy really) that I had a crush on all through elementary school.  He came in second grade and I probably had a crush on him from day one until I moved out in fifth grade.  I don't think it's all that unusual for girls to have a crush on a boy for that period of time.  Though of course my son is now this age and I think 'dear god does some little girl have a crush on my son like that?!' and the mother in me panics a little.  (Though to be fair my son is cute, but not the cutest in the class so probably not).

Anyway, I had a crush on a guy named Andy from second to fifth grade.  In fifth grade, I moved in March so it's not like he and I ever really 'dated' or even truly kissed!  But there must have been something about him that resonanted.  Or maybe it was just the longest time I had a crush on a guy.  I don't know, but I do know that at least once a month (or more) I dream about him.  Not about him as a boy though.  Oh no, he's definitely all man.  Tall and blonde.  And all man.  The dreams are all about the attraction between us.  About renewing and being together. 

What I want to know, is WHY?!  Why do I dream about this guy?  I have never seen him as an adult.  I don't even know if he's still alive.  I haven't seen him since the day I moved in fifth grade, so why do I still dream about him?  Why am I still obsessed with who he is?  Why do I feel like there is some kind of crazy connection to this guy?  Is it just that it was my first crush so therefore we all dream about that person?  Maybe it is just the excitement of the unknown.  I don't know anything about him other than what I remember from then.  Maybe I just need that information so the dreams will stop.  Maybe it just gives me someone random to focus on that is known but unknown.

Who knows.

But I do know that curiousity is strong.

Let's just hope it doesn't kill the pussy.....