Friday, July 19, 2013

Burning Questions

I am supposed to be thinking about work and getting some more things done for items I need to be teaching.  I've given it over for the day, partly because I feel a bit burned out and partly because I am not even sure what to work on.  I think my mind is overwhelmed by all the stuff I'd like to accomplish and the other part of me is just feeling sad.

It comes from time to time, that sense of loneliness and apartness.  Unlike the rest of the world it seems as though there is no one that I seem to connect with, seem to talk to.  I feel... friendless.  It's hard to figure out how to make friends.  I keep thinking, I can just do it, but in the end it doesn't seem like its possible to do that.  I don't have people that I call on the weekend or hang out with or go out to dinner with - it's just lonely and sad.  It's not that my life isn't good because I have a lot of good things going on - a lot of things that make me happy - like my job, my son, my cats, my house - I am luckier than 98% of the world.  But then you look at people who have friends and someone they call and make plans with and you feel that 2% that's missing.

Maybe its a lack of confidence.  I have to admit, I struggle with that on a daily daily basis.  Unhappy with how I look, how I must appear to others.  Feeling I am not good at my job.  Not a caring enough parent.  Makes you want to have someone to share your life with - someone who bolsters you and makes you remember you are worth while.

Part of it is that you just want to be happy and fulfilled with the relationships around instead of just relying on yourself.  Of course reaching outside of myself is a difficult piece when you are an introverted person.  You can't just rely on yourself for everything on the other hand.  But how can you get someone to spend time with you when you are unable to reach out because you are full of self-doubt and unwilling to have enough confidence to take a risk.  You think that doing things like losing weight and changing things about yourself will make you more confident, but does that really just put window dressing on a problem.  Maybe you have to project self confidence until it becomes a part of who you are.  Fake it til you make it kind of piece of thinking.  Reach out and assume that people want to go with you places.  It's so easy to just stay home and be... but that doesn't make me happier or more fulfilled.

Just goes to show that being older doesn't mean being wiser...Sometimes older is just older.