Pity Party in full swing over here. Everyone is welcome.
Seriously, some days I really just would like to try someone else's life for a time. Do you think that could be arranged?! I am sick and tired of not having a dime to my name and living hand to mouth or worse. What is worse than hand to mouth? Other than living in your mother's house when you are 36 years old and have a child of your own.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am grateful to my mom for a lot of reasons and I love her to death and would not ever want to be without her, but it is rather nice to live one's own pathetic life at one's own house even if the life to be had is pathetic at best. You buy a house and you think that it is going to be yours and you are going to get to live in it and have money to decorate it just as you would like and be proud of it, but instead things go all pear shaped and instead you rent for months, move things in, but not yourself and end up with a quarter to decorate everything with. And to somehow pull out from your magic hat a whole paycheck worth of pay that doesn't really exist.
I'm exhausted and annoyed and I just wish I was in my house with my things and getting to watch my own tv and put my son into bed in his own room away from me. I wish I had the money to buy a proper headboard and a new sofa and paint.
These are the things that elude me. I wish I wasn't so upset about missing out on things that people at work did and how they had fun. I wish I had fun this summer instead of working 20 hours a week or more and having to drag my son around with me every time I went and then having to listen to him whine about having to be there. I wish that I wasn't having to be an adult and be sensible all the time. I wish I had the money to go on vacation. I wish I had a friend to go and hang out with instead of feeling all alone in this craptastic world.
Because that's what I feel like. I'm all alone with nothing and the world keeps crapping on me for stuff I can't be in control of (see cable disconnection fee and apartment people telling me I am going to have to pay $$$ to replace carpet and cat scratches). See me being 36 and unmarried and without even a date or a friend in the world. See me having a job that I should love and be thrilled with but instead feel like it is beating me down and wearing me out before school even starts. See me wondering why the hell I even bother.
Yes, I know "wah wah wah - you have it so much better than some people". I get that. It is an intellectual measure to know that people have less than me and their lives are even more crappy. But every once in awhile, I feel it is fair for me to be able to pity myself. I just want nice things and a life that leaves me feeling content. Where Monday is not dreaded because it means dealing with things I'm not ready for, I don't have to raid the couch cushions to buy my son milk and someone is willing to be my friend.
Maybe tomorrow it will be better. Maybe fatigue does make cowards of us all. Maybe it the money tree will sprout. Maybe a decorating budget will be found. Maybe I will get a vacation.
Somehow, I'm not counting on Maybe.