Sunday, February 14, 2010

They tell me love is in the air, but I've yet to spot it myself...

It's kind of like one of those hidden pictures where you have be able to stand back and focus and see the picture in the dots. I never got those. My eye sight is so bad that I can't figure it out even when I know what it is supposed to be....

I don't really get the whole Valentine thing. I suppose its because I don't get the whole dating thing since I've been divorced. Maybe its because I can't relate to men. Who knows? I think a lot of it is that I don't really know how to be around them. Part of that is a whole bunch of circumstances that lead up to having a hard time having these conversations. When my Dad died, I ended up being stuck in a role that took me a long time to grow out of. It meant that I lost a lot of time learning how to relate and flirt and make those connections. Of course it didn't help that I moved around so much during the awkward preteen/teen years. You learn to shut yourself off and be what people want in order to fit in.

So by the time I grew out of that and even learned that I could be myself, I was already married. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved (love) my ex, but I was never myself and kept so much pinned inside it was hard by then for us to relate to one another and even harder for me to say things I really meant or who I really was. It just was that way. And on top of that, the loss of my 'older' brother and then my grandfather (my dad's father) never left things the same for me.

So I learned to be something of a chameleon. I blend in. I tend to stay rather introverted. I don't tend to show people who I really am - especially around guys. I tend to be what I think people want - not just myself. I play different roles for the situation which means I struggle to just be myself. When out dating, I think I've met one guy I felt like I could be more of myself. It's hard when you want to 'fall in love and meet prince charming' when you're not playing yourself, but being Cinderella and that's not who you really are. Some things don't just jive together. I do better with woman - easier to relate to people who ou don't have to play roles for.

And today I was reading PostSecret and one of the 'secrets' was about wanting to not be set up all the time. See - that wouldn't bug me in the slightest. But then, I don't think the people I'm around know me well enough to even consider that. I guess that's my own fault. I wasn't taught or built to be something other than a chameleon - maybe I just have to accept that I am a chameleon and find the prince who'd like to be with a different person every night....

Either that or just enjoy being alone.

Or garner enough strength to just show myself as I am and not worry so much about what might happen because of it....

1 comment:

  1. Hi Rhina,
    I just stumbled across your site and had to read your posts. I love this one -- how you wonder if it's time to show yourself as is and not worry what will happen because of it. YES YES YES! That's my vote for you. Especially as you talk about your youth and how you missed out on some moments of flirting and trying out who you wanted to be. Now is the time, I think, to really LET yourself be. Now is the time to live up who you really are, discover what makes you glow inside and out, see who you are apart from an ex-wife and a mom, who you are on your own. You don't have to be alone, but I think it's important to love yourself before you can be that wonderful half of a great relationship. Your books, your photography, spending time with your smart son and kitties (aw), you're right to let it fuel you. The happier you are, the more you'll know when something's right! And from there, I think you should just believe that there IS someone who's right for you out there, and know that the way they'll recognize you (and you them) is by you being your complete and totally naturally and authentic self. Yeah, I'm all about the optimism, but I can't help it, it works. :)